A Hundred Down, A Hundred to Go

Calm Amidst The Insanity

2011-09-28T23:51:00.001-04:00

Wow. The psychiatrist? Admitted on date #2--married. I had an inkling on date #1 due to how he reacted to a joke I made about having to be careful to avoid married men pretending to be single. But I'd googled the crap out of him and found no evidence of a wife. So I figured take it slow and see what happens. He just outright admitted it at the end of dinner.
He "just does better if he has a relationship outside of his relationship". WTF? He knew (probably because I now put "NO MARRIED MEN" in any or all online dating profiles) that I wouldn't even talk to him, let alone go out with him, if I knew he was married, so he felt he had to lie to me to have a chance for me to get to know him.
Sorry, dude. I'm not interested in putting another woman through what I went through. AND there is no future in that kind of thing for a single woman. AND dating can kind of stink these days. So it's kind of frustrating every time a woman wastes any amount of her time even emailing a guy and then finds out he's married. No matter if I didn't get my hopes up much because I was a little suspicious. It adds to that feeling that decent guys are truly few and far between. I pointed out that, if he did this to the wrong woman, who was on the edge, he could throw her into a depression.

I do at least think I got through to him with that. He changed his marital status on his Plenty Of Fish profile to "married". Selfish idiot.

Also some insanity at home, where the girl cats have decided to move from mutual dislike to outright hatred and physical fighting, with New Girl attacking Old Girl. On their own, each is very sweet. But now Old Girl hides, watches doors of rooms like a hawk, and tries to make her way from place to place via my tables and counters. Which is not making me particularly happy, but I can't really blame her. SO, the University's behavioral vet (yes, my cats are going to see a cat psychiatrist, so there's a theme here) is going to make a housecall. In the meantime, I'm playing musical cats--keeping them separated and healthy and trying to give both the attention they need and exposing both to The Boy, so neither starts to hate on him. He just gets along with everybody--such a good guy.

I have been to the gym a bit. Eating a bit better. Bringing my old standby (berries, yogurt, and homemade granola) to work so I don't eat fast-food crap on the way home. Still much room for improvement but moving in the right direction.

More Baby Steps.

2011-09-08T11:22:00.003-04:00

I've been to the gym a couple of times. So that's some progress. The scale isn't showing anything, but that's not really my priority at the moment. I have to get into the workout habit first, I think.

I need to get some granola made to take my usual meal of that plus yogurt and fruit to work. I've been getting back in my bad habit of not eating at work and then eating whatever I can find on the way home because I'm starving--very, very bad.

I'm still behind on checking in on everyone. Good to hear from some peeps!

Otherwise, life is overall good. I'm trying to figure out how to get the girl cats to stop fighting. I'm not sure why it's escalated this summer. But it's not good.

And I'm still in the market for a man. I think I finally stopped getting texts from the one who wanted to borrow gas money after the first date. Only had to block his number for two rounds.

The one who took me on a really sweet romantic date, then cancelled due to a "migraine", then sent an email about how "excited he was to see me again", then sent lame/nothing emails for days before getting all hacked off at me when I sent a tactful email asking if he intended to go out again or not--that one stung. The last email from him was one line long and started with him repeating my name three times in the most condescending of ways. WTF gives a guy the right to be an a-hole when all a woman is doing is asking, "Hey, do you really see us going out again or do you just want to dispense with the emails about nothing?" In the long run, I'm better off, for sure, but it took my brain awhile to get around that one (which pissed me off even more that I even let it bug me)--a guy going from being all sweet and romantic to immediate jerk for no apparent legitimate reason. I think men, in general, if things don't work out, like to pretend the woman is nuts--takes all the blame off them. And, yes, one of you reading this went to high school with this one.

On another note, I've had a couple somewhat promising first dates lately. One with a psychiatrist, who, interestingly, pronounced me quite sane. LOL.

OK, well, enough of that. Have to leave some material for the book.

Later.

Really Should Change The Name, But...

2011-09-01T11:28:00.000-04:00

I'm too lazy. In a lot of ways.

OK. So it's 50 lbs. down now. I have to stop this here.

I started Power 90 earlier this week and did it for two days. It's basically the easier version of p90x. I figured, if I can't get my butt to the gym, maybe I'll do this. I'm not saying it's easy. My abs are killing me. So I didn't do it yesterday. I should be doing it today. Why am I not? Really no excuse. I wouldn't be doing the ab part today.

I felt great the two days I did it!

Just so unmotivated.

How is everyone? I've horribly neglected the blog as I've pretty much neglected my health.

Harry Potter Mania!

2010-12-09T21:41:00.003-05:00

OK, so I love Universal Orlando's Wizarding World of Harry Potter. LOVE IT!

ROSE BOWL BOUND!

2010-12-06T09:57:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited I can't stand it! But I think my mom might be more excited.

I'm going to Florida, Universal Studios, Harry Potter, this week. But that's nothing.

THE BADGERS! IN THE ROSE BOWL! I'LL BE THERE! IN PERSON! AHHHHHHH!

A New Me

2010-12-02T12:22:00.002-05:00

If only in name.

OK, so I picked the name before, didn't bother me, but seemed to shock other people. And, who knows if it could subconsciously affect me somehow? So, ShrinkingDoc it is. Maybe lame, but that's what I'm working on.

I've lost 5lbs. since November 11. That's by eating healthier a lot of the time. Pretty good on Thanksgiving. I'm a BIG fan now of going out to eat for holidays! One plate of food, no seconds or thirds, one dessert, no cooking or clean-up. It's really a win-win situation all around. I'd HIGHLY recommend it! Really good most other days. Way too much ice cream with hot fudge around Thanksgiving, but it's all evened out with good results! SO, I can't complain a BIT.

My next challenge: Getting moving.

I'm not motivated. Not sure why. I lie in my warm bed every morning, knowing I should go workout. Somehow getting up, getting in the warm shower, and going to the warm coffee shop to drink warm coffee is far more appealing than getting into workout clothes and going to the Y.

Even though I KNOW that, if I went to the Y and worked out, I'd be far warmer and just as energetic as going to get coffee. And I could get my coffee after. And I know I feel better, ache less, have more energy, etc., etc., etc. I definitely still notice my left arm/shoulder is weaker than the right--so I need to be lifting weights.

In other news. I'm going to Florida next week. Kind of a self-study thing to force myself to get some things done for my board certification before the end of the year. And I'm going to sit in the sun while I do it. But I'm also going to check out Universal Studios and have a little fun, even if it's by myself.

But, MOST IMPORTANTLY, if the ticket fairies are with us, my mom and her friend and I are GOING TO SEE THE BADGERS IN THE ROSE BOWL. We'll know for sure Sunday. I can't freakin' wait! It's the trip of a lifetime if all works out! Wish us luck!

Thankful :)

2010-11-24T13:17:00.002-05:00

For big and little things!

Marvelous family and remarkable friends, "real" and "virtual", though I think they're all the same!

That my mom, after another scare last week (atrial fib/irregular heartbeat with a heartrate to 170 resulting in her being cardioverted/shocked back to her normal heartbeat before I could get there), is doing well.

That I am not married to my ex. WOW--I am so much better off. And, you know what, I don't even have to tell you why. :) Though the stories are good!

That I am gaining little bits of motivation and lost a couple pounds. Baby steps.

That I have cats to keep me warm at night. That Smoocherkitty's little lump was a "nothing" again.

That I have a great job and don't have to worry about food, shelter, or a single material basic in life--I am truly blessed. I can focus on the wonders of the world.

For coffee and a wonderful place to drink it with wonderful people!

For tequila and lime juice and a few extras and a great place to get it with friendly people to provide it! ;) In moderation, of course.

That I can look for the perfect man for me--dating games and all. He must be out there, right? Maybe where I least expected to find him...

For so many more things I'm sure I'm forgetting.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm Not Dead...

2010-11-08T21:14:00.003-05:00

Just fatter.

And WAY happier.

And a bit more seriously thinking about working on eating better. I've worked out some, except for October, the month of wheezing and hacking. And I'm geared up for doing more of that, too. I've even taken a couple steps toward getting some of the support I need to get back on track, I think.

And I just got back from Vegas. Went for a conference but had a LOT of fun with a friend/coworker who went with. It was warm and sunny, just when I needed it. And we walked and walked. Which, of course, was balanced out by eating and boozing it up, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?

And I didn't get married there this time!

Maybe more to come. I'm not making too big of promises! ;)

Another Bad Way To Lose Weight

2010-05-13T09:51:00.002-04:00

Stomach flu.

Couldn't get up all day yesterday--except to run to the bathroom. YUCK. My kitties laid in bed by me the entire day--so sweet. They must have decided I'd live sometime in the middle of the night last night because they're nowhere to be found now.

At least it was on my last day of work instead of my first day of vacation! Trust me, I was sick--I even braved calling my crabby colleague who does our sick calls because I had no choice. I'd choose to have 20 colds and take bottles and bottles of prednisone over one day of stomach flu.

I'm at 302. And that was after waking up at 4am starving and eating some chicken soup a friend had brought me yesterday--very sweet.

Vacation plans: Graduations, a couple little day trips, maybe get a few things done around the house, be lazy, work out and walk some.

Progress.

2010-05-07T10:38:00.002-04:00

Under 306.

Other than that, just working too much. That's probably why the numbers are good. That's a good idea for a diet--HugeMD's Work Yourself Thin and Insane Diet.

How Not to Cut Calories and Don't Be Stupid Like This Guy

2010-05-05T13:23:00.004-04:00

Though it works, too.

Working a twelve-hour (plus) shift and having it be too nutty to eat much. Then, being so tired, the next day you sleep until ten, and then, by the time you get ready to eat, it's eleven, so you might as well just eat lunch instead of breakfast.

Piece of advice: If you have chest pain, you should almost without fail go to an emergency room at a hospital. No one should fault you for going to an emergency room if you have chest pain. Most clinics/urgent care clinics do NOT have all the testing available to rule out the dangerous things that could be causing chest pain, namely heart attacks, blockages in heart arteries not yet causing actual heart attacks, blood clots to the lungs, and more rare deadly things. Yes, most chest pain is NOT due to these things, but then that's great! You can be happy knowing that!

Do not come to urgent care because you have chest pain and are worried it's your heart. Then, when the doctor agrees that it could be your heart and explains that you need to go to the emergency room where that can be determined, do not say that you are not going to go because you know it's not your heart. You came in. You just said you were worried it's your heart. Now you say you just wanted me to tell you it's not your heart. I CAN'T DO THAT here in the urgent care clinic. You're in your 50's. You're a guy. IT COULD BE YOUR HEART.

Lawsuits, lawyers, and malpractice aside, I couldn't live with myself if I just told you you're fine and you walked out and keeled over.

I may look young to you. But I'm out of medical school 13 years in a couple weeks, almost 10 years out of residency now. (Holy crap!) I've worked in the middle of freaking nowhere, and I've seen a lot of shit.

I've seen people I swore were having heart trouble end up not having heart trouble. I've had people I didn't think were probably having heart trouble have abnormal cardiac enzyme tests showing they were in the middle of heart attacks.

My own mother went to urgent care with chest pain and was annoyed to be sent to the ER by ambulance. The ER docs told her they didn't think she was having heart trouble (the story she told me while she was waiting in the ER for the tests had me scared shitless). She was planning to be sprung from the ER after her cardiac enzyme tests were normal and go out for dinner with her friends. Surprise--they weren't normal, she had had a heart attack, and she earned herself a weekend in the hospital and an angiogram (test to look at the arteries of the heart).

Don't be dumb people. Don't gamble. Yes, the odds are frequently with you that it's not your heart. But, if you're wrong, you're dead.

I know the people who read this blog, if any, are smart enough to know better--this is really more of a rant. This happens far too often. This and drug seekers make me have bad days and drink a beer after work (Stella last night--not as good as Spotted Cow) and remind me that I should buy more lottery tickets. BTW, I'm new to beer drinking. I realized it after the free beer after the walk a couple weekends ago. I have a lot of catching up to do.

It's A Process

2010-05-03T22:35:00.002-04:00

Just under 308 today. Heading in the right direction for a change!

OK, so I didn't eat any crap after work the other night. Yay!

The weekend was good. Ate out a couple times. Did OK overall eating. Either chose wisely at the restaurant or did well the rest of the day to not make either Saturday or Sunday bad eating days. Lunch with S. She spoiled Smoocherkitty, as usual. He LOVES her--comes running when she comes in the door.

Met a guy and went out to dinner. Nice. Widowed. He had emailed me online. Quite recently widowed, I found out. This is a whole new twist on the dating thing. I've talked this over quite a bit with my girls, especially my mom. She's been through it. The general consensus is it's not that unusual for guys to date fairly soon, especially when their wives' deaths were expected for awhile. He seems to be taking things at a reasonable pace. I certainly plan to. My biggest worry--what if I end up deciding he's not right for me? I don't want to hurt the guy more.

I didn't work out at all--I haven't solved that motivation problem. Had a kick butt massage Sunday. R, the wonder massage therapist got the kinks out of my neck. Still some work to do on the upper back, which is always a mass of knots. The shoulder still ROCKS! S saw him, too, and is a fan. She's on a mission to get him dates. Super nice guy. So what he's short, slightly geeky. He's a MASSAGE THERAPIST. He's clearly not sold himself properly online in the past. We could definitely help him write a kick-butt profile that could help him find dates. See, she's an extrovert--finds out more about him in one massage than I have in like 15. That's the difference between two introverts talking and then tossing an extrovert into the mix!

Guess that's the weekend news. Probably plenty, huh? Super long workday tomorrow, so no workout. But Pilates again Wednesday, for sure, with K.

Just Need to Stick with Today's Plan

2010-04-30T14:00:00.002-04:00

So far, so good. Pilates with K was good/bad. Great workout. I feel energetic. Not tired. I can go to the Y pre-coffee without dying--I've proven it to myself yet again. I was a bit worried my inner thigh muscles were going to explode or come to some other dramatic demise, but that's my own damn fault for not having gotten there for a couple weeks. And, YES, I'm definitely going to feel it tomorrow. And probably worse the next day.

I also proved I can make a quick, relatively healthy lunch before work. Whole wheat chicken ravioli with marinara with these YUMMY Green Giant Healthy Weight veggies my mom keeps raving about. With my usual yogurt, fruit, homemade granola supper for work tonight, I'll have had a pretty good day.

NO ice cream, chips, or other crap after work tonight is the key.

I do need to get something with a little more protein for breakfast. I've become a carb queen again, and I need to work on reversing that. I'm working on it. The weird thing is, I never had a sweet tooth before and now I do. It used to just be chips, bread, pasta.

OK, so NO crap after work. Come home. No stops on the way. The gas tank is at least at half. Pet a cat or three. Check email. Go to bed.

I've Identified A Couple Problems

2010-04-29T22:59:00.002-04:00

Not that I needed to log all my food into Sparkpeople to know that it would have been the apple fritter and the Culver's turtle sundae today that put me WAY over the top. Hmmm. Yesterday, no fritter or sundae--reasonable calorie count. Shocking, isn't it?!?

But, logging is a good first step, I think. Can't fool myself as much. I don't particularly like seeing the fritter and the sundae listed there in all their horribleness.

Tomorrow, I'm doing Pilates at the Y with K. That should be great and terrible all at the same time. I skipped last week due to scheduling snafus. And I've done virtually nothing else due to pure laziness. I should be nice and sore after, huh?

Well, I've done nothing else unless you count the 5K walk last weekend with my mom and cousins. It was very fun. But does a walk count when they give out free beer afterwards? Only in this state. Plus, it was surrounded by a weekend of too much wine, too many margaritas, and too much great food. I think my fingers are finally back to normal size now that all the margarita salt is out of my system!

To update other things. No specific men in the picture. I'm emailing and talking to a couple. Might meet one for lunch. The other has 5 kids (!)--what am I thinking even answering his Matchmail? I think I mentioned a couple guys the last time I posted. There was no chemistry with Crazy Cat Man, and he seemed excessively frugal, dissing anyone who might have XM radio (me). The scientist might be smart enough to cure cancer but not to keep out of financial ruin multiple times and not to keep a 20-year-old foster kid who still lives with him from stealing his electronics. I might have been able to tolerate that up to a point. But he's a horrible kisser--had to get rid of him. I know that may sound very shallow, but I can't help it.

The girly loft is in its final stages. The comfy sectional is here. The IKEA furniture is together and getting filled in with accessories. I have the stuff ready to go up on the walls. It's a great space. Have watched a few movies up there with S and KChick and the kitties. I LOVE IT!

Maybe Kinda, Sorta Getting Serious?

2010-04-28T12:45:00.002-04:00

Yeah, so it's ugly. I'm not horribly upset by it, just kind of, which is perhaps the problem. My cyberfriend, FD, is making me a lot more motivated! Thanks, girlfriend!

I also "know" that the whole shoulder thing and then divorce thing are just easy excuses I've used. OK, they're old news. I need to get over it. Yes, stress makes it harder to avoid eating crappy stuff and to get motivated to work out. Fact. However, if I ate healthier and worked out, I would feel BETTER. So enough!

I got back on Sparkpeople after a few days of procrastination. OK, so the first breakfast I logged was two big brownies and a whole lot of coffee with creamer. Babysteps.

On a good note, my homemade granola is in the oven. Berries and yogurt alone for dinner at work just weren't cutting it--not filling enough to keep me from eating other crap after work. I picked up some quick and easy and relatively healthy stuff to cook for lunches to keep me away from the fast food places before work.

I've still been doing Pilates with K, trainer extraordinaire, about every week or two. My problem--I'm not really working out on my own. I think about going for a walk or going to the Y and then don't do it.

I got so I LOVED working out. Even the cardio. I maybe, kinda, sorta started to understand the runner's high thing (not that I run--I like my knees more than that). I was completely and utterly addicted to weightlifting and Pilates. The shoulder thing got me out of the habit. How do I get back in it? Kicking myself in the ass, I guess. But I'm not doing that. I guess I need someone else to do that. Feel free to do it in the comments, girls (guys if there are any reading).

I also need to be on here more, I think. It's easy to pretend everything's fine if I don't weigh myself and don't hold myself accountable. So this blog and Sparkpeople need to be my way to do that. Stay tuned and see if my sorry ass does it. :)

Seriously, January?

2010-03-04T10:44:00.002-05:00

This photo is S's daughter with Smoocherkitty. S is IN LOVE with my cat and clearly her daughter is following in her footsteps.

I really haven't posted since January? Yeah, well, I guess I'm avoiding this topic in real life and on the blog. I was at 302 this morning. I had to force myself to get on the scale this morning. It's easier to be in denial if I don't know what the numbers are. It's not that I'm all freaked out about it, though maybe I should be. I wasn't going to post my weight on here because it's over that horrible 300 number, but then I'm like, what good is having this blog if I'm not honest with myself?

I just have been focusing on being happy. Yeah, I have the occasional minor freak-out, but they're few and far between. I've been hanging with girlfriends, going out to eat (#), drinking margaritas (#), and going on dates (#). I bought a couch for my loft and have been shopping to outfit it in girly hot pink to counteract the 46-inch TV I put up there. I've been hanging out up there in my recliner with my kitties searching match.com.

I joke that my mom and I should write a book about crazy online dating experiences. I'm only partially kidding. Two weekends ago I met a CRAZY CAT MAN. However, the next night I met a really nice guy--Ph.D. cancer researcher, grown kids, seemingly normal. We'll see about him.

So, I'm not sure how to get myself motivated to stop eating too much and to get back to the Y more than I am. Spring is coming sometime soon, so that'll motivate me to walk outside, at least.

I'm sick of tight pants. I'm sick of more belly rolls. I cracked my toilet seat. The fatter I get, the fewer men I'm going to find. Spanx helped 25 lbs. ago, but they don't now. One would think these types of things would be motivating me.

Yet More Motivation

2010-01-25T23:43:00.005-05:00

I'm at 295 on my scale this morning. That's only up a pound recently despite consumption of MANY calories, especially in the form of tequila-based beverages, at a family wedding over the weekend, along with vast amounts of sodium, largely off the rims of glasses. I was 298 at Dr. M's fully clothed after WAY too much coffee and some oatmeal.

OK. So here's the the thing. Dr. M always has a way of making me look at the positives and feel less discouraged. I started out on December 15, 2006, seeing Dr. M at 385. Holy crap, I've lost a shitload of weight. And I've kept the vast majority of it off. I've gained around 30 lbs. back in the last year or so. During which time I've had major life stressors--all detailed in previous blog posts in more painful detail than you've all wanted to read--divorce, surgery, and parental heart attack for those of you who are new or have dementia or have just blocked out the whiny posts. At least 20 lbs. of this was in the last few months, during which I was on a couple of medications which are known to cause weight gain. I've tended to call these things "excuses" for the weight gain and blame myself. I know I've slacked majorly on many things I could be doing better. Dr. M pointed out that realistically all these things are interrelated and the stress and medications have contributed to it being more difficult for me to eat better and work out. OK, we're both right.

SO, this time I apologized for being irritable the last time I saw him, at which time I agreed to let him put me on more Topamax (migraine dream-drug with weight loss side effect) but got downright bitchy when he wanted to up the Meridia to 15mg--my fear of having to then drink less coffee to avoid SVT (fast heartbeat episodes that can be worsened by Meridia and, especially for me, caffeine). I let him be the boss--Meridia up to 15mg. He also mentioned metformin again, even 500mg. I've tried it, more than once. Makes me feel like I have the perpetual stomach flu. I, politely this time, explained why I just am not willing to try it again. I have a humungous bottle left--maybe I'll try it one more time. The guy is the expert, after all.

The goal: To lose 5-10% of my body weight in the next 6-12 months. Very doable. The high end of that is 30 pounds in 6 months or 5 pounds a month. The low end is about a pound a month. I'm going to aim for a pound a week.

Positives so far: I've been back at the Y doing Pilates once a week. Sometimes choosing oatmeal instead of the apple fritters at Coffee Heaven--BIG accomplishment because those fritters are the BOMB. I haven't brought ice cream home in a week. Haven't had fast food in even longer.

Next steps: Get to the Y 3 times a week at least. Oatmeal weekdays, fritters weekends only. More protein and vegetables--good first step will be to make the turkey vegetable soup I'm planning. I need to get out on my new cross-country skis, but the weather here sucks--rain yesterday, a tiny bit of snow today, and now sub-zero tomorrow.

Baby steps.

Weight Status Quo

2010-01-19T23:49:00.003-05:00

Marginal eating. Went to the Y and walked the track and did Pilates and lifted weights. We've been doing Pilates for lower body--wow does the Reformer KILL my inner thighs and hamstrings. Then weights for upper body because the shoulder's not "100%" until the 1-year postop mark (fast approaching 9 months!), and the PT I ended up with thought it best to hold off on the Reformer until then. I lifted some heavier weights today and the shoulder felt great. It felt SO good to lift more and actually lift to fatigue. I think I'm starting to feel a little bit of that old obsession for the weights and Pilates come back. I'm going to go twice a week with K, trainer extraordinaire, while I'm off the next two weeks and see if that doesn't get my lazy a$$ back on track.

Otherwise, one more night of work before MUCH time off. Yay! Family wedding this weekend should be fun. Otherwise, planning some shopping, lots of time with friends, lots of coffee time, hopefully a couple movies, and who knows what else. Anything constructive accomplished will be considered a bonus.

Reasonable Progress, Life Is Good

2010-01-14T09:52:00.003-05:00

Under 294. Eating better, not marvelously. Haven't been back to the Y, but I'm going tomorrow to do Pilates with K, trainer extraordinaire. I could google to see if that's spelled right, but I'm too lazy.

I'm off Prednisone, not that it seemed to be doing much this time. I finish my second Z-pack tomorrow. I kinda think might have had pneumonia, even though the doc I saw when I couldn't see my own didn't hear anything in my lungs and apparently hasn't heard of this fancy new-fangled thing called a chest x-ray. He looked a lot older than me, but I thought they had such things even when he was in training... ;) As long as he was willing to give me an antibiotic, I at least knew if I had pneumonia, that should get rid of it. And, when I started hacking up yellow shit again as the first Z-pack was wearing off, Jack, a crochety hilarious colleague and fellow asthma sufferer, refilled it for me. I think I'm gonna live.

It's good to have one of these marginal doctor experiences every once in awhile. The guy was extremely hurried, interrupted me repeatedly, and, when I told him I was worried I could have pneumonia, didn't give me a second to tell him why. I like to think I'm the kind of doc who listens to people and makes them feel heard, but now I'm even more aware of trying to make sure.

On the boy front... I know I said I'm not going to complain about them. This is only going to be partial complaining, I think. That's probably a lie. Oh, well, makes the blog more interesting reading maybe. Or maybe not.

Idiot Boy I (The Ex) is an idiot. Really, every idiotic thing he does in the end, after it drives me a little insane (less than it used to), makes me increasingly thankful he's mostly out of my life. A very good friend's mother died a few days before Christmas. So what does IB do? He texts me Christmas eve to say "Merry Christmas" and, BTW, "Did you hear our friend's mom died?" This was news of the type that made me cry--good friend, knew his mom. IB could have let me know this a few days before Christmas when it happened, but, no, chose to text me on Christmas. Idiot.

Next, Idiot Boy called me yesterday about going together with his family to send flowers for the funeral. Fine. Decent. I suggested we have our same accountant do both our taxes to avoid any problems in this somewhat complicated divorce year. He was very happy I suggested it (he's a financial idiot). I suggested he call the accountant's office and have them send him the packet he'd need to fill out. He texted me at work later asking me to call them because he would "feel weird" if he had to talk to the receptionist there who is my cousin. A-hole. I texted that I would do it, but that maybe he should have thought about that kind of thing before. I did it. Cuz thought it was funny that he was scared to talk to her.

Then I called him later to say that I don't appreciate being used as a means for him to avoid the discomfort and consequences of HIS behavior when it was also behavior that has had incredibly hurtful consequences for me. I felt that him using ME to avoid this discomfort further belittled my feelings about the situation. I told him to be a man. Somewhere in there was something about his midlife crisis. I didn't yell, but I overreacted I know. But he just pisses me off. He's just silent. Or says he just wasn't thinking. Or says he's sorry it affected me that way. But he never effing takes real responsibility.

As far as Idiot Boy II (guy I dated with the blind dog), he's not really such an idiot. He's just really not that happy of a guy, I think. He told me he'd go out with me on New Year's Eve as long as he could be heading home by 10pm. 10pm?!? Are you 42 or 82? This when I wanted and needed to celebrate the coming of a new and better year! So S and I went out and had fun, and he stayed home and moped, which I think is what he really wanted to do in the first place. It's in his nature.

I like him. I think he's a nice person. After the New Year's thing, I just didn't call him as much. He sent an email apologizing for being kind of down and complaining and hibernating more than he should while we've dated. It was actually kind of a sweet email. I just think he's very much "glass is half empty" kind of guy. I'm guessing this is why he's 42 and never been married. I'm trying to be a "glass is half full" kind of girl and, considering everything, am not doing too badly at it. I had a husband I constantly had to try to reassure and bring up. Like KinnicChick said yesterday while we were drinking coffee, I "don't need a project". I wholeheartedly agreed--I need to be my project. The tough part for me--he's nice and I feel guilty ending it. I nicely told him all of the above. But yuck. I hate this part.

Seriously though, though things aren't perfect (whose life ever is?), I'm far happier now than I was at the beginning of 2009. I think that's a major accomplishment given starting the year depressed and in chronic pain, having surgery, my mom having a heart attack, discovering my spouse was cheating, and getting divorced. I'm damn proud. I'm a much tougher chick than I ever knew. If I survived last year insanity largely intact, I can survive anything!

HMMMM. Imagine THAT.

2010-01-05T23:36:00.002-05:00

Eating crap without regard to what and how much makes you GAIN weight. I've worked out some, but not nearly enough. Now granted, since Christmas, I've been eating better, despite being on gobs of prednisone for asthma (it doesn't really make me hungry). In all honesty, the numbers were even a tiny bit worse. However, I just haven't been able to work out since Christmas because I'm hacking uncontrollably and can't breathe all that well.

I've used the shoulder surgery and the divorce as excuses. That's just what they are. Not LEGITIMATE excuses. My shoulder's fine. It was a little achy a month or so ago, but it's been better since I've lifted weights some. The divorce and all its surrounding drama and stress is exactly WHY I SHOULD BE WORKING OUT--it makes me less stressed. So there goes that excuse. SO, no excuses. Where does that leave me? I guess I need to stop eating like crap and, when I can breathe again (actual real legit excuse), get my fatter ass to the Y.

In other news, I'm pretty sane right now. It was a little iffy around the holidays--kind of a problem every year. But this year, leading up to Christmas, I had a couple weeks where I just seemed to cry uncontrollably. That pisses me off, quite frankly. Then I get mad and cry more. My mom pointed out that probably it was normal for me to be crying given everything that's happened this year and that maybe I should just accept that and let it happen. Interestingly, that was the key--some good guilt-free crying bouts and I got it out of my system.

Plus, I have so many amazing people in my life that are here for me when I need them--almost all women. I'm so thankful for all of them/you who've listened to me bitch and whine endlessly about stupid things, mostly boys. I'm sure it's getting really old. When you're so sick of it you're going to ditch me as a friend, tell me and I'll try to stop.

There, I just did it--I stopped. I wanted to go on and on about Idiot Boys I and II, etc., but I deleted what I started to write. They're not worth it. I'm not sure men are worth it, honestly, but we'll see...

Happy New Year everyone. I, for one, am happy to have 2009 behind me and to have 2010 to look forward to.

Huh. Imagine That.

2009-11-19T09:50:00.003-05:00

Just under 281. Adding exercise to eating reasonably really works. Duh.

On other fronts, it helped to go to work last night and take my mind off the dumb*ss.

Lots to do today before work. Have a great day everyone!

Baby Steps

2009-11-18T11:52:00.002-05:00

At 283. Went to the Y. Did my shoulder exercises. Did the elliptical and walked. Survived without coffee first. Coffee as a reward AFTER.

I'm becoming more sane again. Now if only idiot boy will leave me alone for the rest of my life...

WTF? Facebook Etiquette Expert Needed

2009-11-16T17:02:00.003-05:00

There was a period of time after I kicked the ex's ass out when I got about 3 different emails from Facebook that I had friend requests from him. Then when I would get to FB, there would be no friend request. I asked him about this. He said he would sign up for FB and then decide not to stay on FB. I told him that if he did decide to sign up again for Facebook not to friend me. Note that he had told me that FB is how he got back in contact with the crazy ex.

Today, I got another Facebook friend request from him. This one was for real. He had 5 friends. Our mutual friend S. His crazy ex-fiance with whom he cheated on me. Another crazy (as he used to tell me) ex-stripper ex-fiance. Two other women I don't know. Why the hell would he think I'd want to be Facebook friends with him and see him interact with these women? It's like this he's assembling this bizarre collection of exes. I sent him a message telling him I thought it best we not be FB friends. I ignored his friend request. I blocked him from contacting me. Childish? Maybe, but I don't care. He's crazy.

This is another of those times when I wonder what red flags I ignored on the path to marrying him. In all honesty, though, he seemed pretty normal, though perhaps I should have considered him having been engaged three times previous to me to have been a bit more of an issue. I just keep thinking that now I'm older, smarter, more confident, more cautious, and will pick better the next time around. But part of me still thinks I should never get married or live with a guy again. Who knows? It's too soon to tell.

I'm still 284. Eating OK, not great. Not working out. Not as tired as I was. Had a great weekend. Fun with friends, male and female. Both my football teams beat archenemies. The weather was nicer than it should be for November. My one workday was manageable--there seems to be a bit of a lull in the influenza. More coffee with good friends today. Got a couple things done today. Tomorrow--lawyer appointment to get a new will done, fun with Rudy's dad.

Baby Steps

2009-11-11T22:14:00.002-05:00

284. Not exactly sure how, but I'll take it.

Little else to report. I'm tired as heck. I've napped every day this week. Maybe I'm fighting off some kind of crud. It's been fun to see good friends--coffee at the usual spot with K and others, seeing C and the pups Monday, S and the kids over for a bit to pet the kitties this afternoon, went up to see W today for a visit and to have her do miracles on the hair.

I will post a pic I had particular fun with. I came home last Monday and eventually noticed "The Ex" dog toy hanging from the red, white, and blue Independence Day party lights I put up--see above. Someone had been here--I'll keep her anonymous because I LOVE her. It totally made my day.

Seriously

2009-11-10T23:19:00.002-05:00

I have to get serious. I'm at 285 on my scale today. I was 286 at Dr. M's yesterday. That was technically just above my magic number, making me a half pound shy of a hundred down yesterday.

That, along with a variety of other things, I'm sure you can imagine, if you've read the few posts on this blog lately, made me a bit irritable. My blood pressure when I see him (world-famous- institution-trained high-mucky-muck endocrinologist) is always on the high side and was yesterday. I usually bring him a few readings I've had taken at work to prove it's not usually like that. Given I've been preoccupied with other things like dissolving my crappy marriage and celebrating that dissolution, I failed to do that. But it was fine at my physical at Dr. S's and when I checked in at work for a sinus infection, both in the last couple weeks, and I told him that.

He started lecturing me on blood pressure control, etc. and pressuring me to go on BP meds again. I had just had it! I let him have it, reminding him how, prior to going off my two BP meds before, I almost passed out multiple times and preferred not to have a repeat of that, given what a crappy feeling that is.

After that, he was a bit more open to discussing my preferences with regard to my other meds. Yes, I was open to upping the Topamax--more headaches lately, so I'm happy to try more. No, I'd rather stay on 10mg of Meridia--I didn't lose more on 15mg, and that's when I had SVT. Yeah, I'd probably do OK on 15mg, but I'd probably have to give up more coffee, and I'd rather not do that if I can avoid it. And, quite honestly, I just need to eat a little better and get my butt to the Y.

He apologized in the end for getting all paternalistic on me about the BP meds. I appreciated that. He ended up being very sweet and telling me a doctor joke to cheer me up. He also told me he thought that us doctors are far too serious and responsible in our younger years with all our school and training and that maybe I should consider my divorce as a chance to have more fun than I did when I was younger (I told him I completely agree and I'd already decided to do that).

In other news, C brought the dogs over yesterday while she cleaned, and I took them on the big dog walk. It was such a nice day--unbelievably spectacular weather the last few days. I guess they were super tired when they got home and went right to their kennels to sleep. It was so great to see them. Apparently, I tired myself out, too. Went to bed at 8pm last night. Got up for an early appointment this morning. Came home by 9am and slept until after 11. I think I finally caught up from a bunch of early days.

Thanks all, for all the support. Sorry for not getting to the comments directly, but they do mean a lot!

I'm Divorced

2009-10-31T21:53:00.002-04:00

I was just so happy all day to be getting this over with and getting The Ex (!) out of my life. The divorce went off without any surprises. The Ex didn't try any funny business. The judge approved our settlement agreement and divorced us--no problem. My mom and Moon went with--my lawyer asked if they were my posse. They were pissed when he asked me where my skirt was--I told him it was cold and there was no way I was wearing a skirt. It's not like he told me to wear one. I told Mom and Moon later--this lawyer's been a really decent guy, really more supportive emotionally than I ever would have thought a lawyer would be, and, without him, I could have been paying The Ex far more money. He can say whatever the hell he wants about what I wore to court...

After court, The Ex cried and I didn't. That makes me so damn glad. It was when he talked to my mom. He told us both how glad he was that we let him see the Nephew. I didn't say much--just was thinking how we're not doing it for The Ex, but for the Nephew. My mom said, "Just make sure you're a good role model for him in the future." Good one, Mom. He hugged her. I shook his hand. He still repulses me.

Then, a couple margaritas at Margaritaville. YUM. Then got ready for the party. LOTS of fun. Saw a lot of good friends and fun family I haven't seen in a long time. I would definitely recommend an Independence Day party to anyone going through a divorce. No chance to let yourself mope or think about the past bad crap--just good times and thinking about the good things to come!

Today--football game at my alma mater. We won so big it almost got boring, especially given it was kinda cold. Then more margaritas with Mom and Auntie. Then a nap. Now we're watching another game on TV. I was having trouble trying to get warm until I tried to help Mom flip her mattress--no success. It's the heaviest mattress I've ever seen, and my shoulder's good, but not that good. We decided men are good for lifting heavy things--and s*x. My mom added that second one.

Overall, a very good few days.

Tomorrow, I seriously get serious. Tonight, a few more Skittles...

D-Day

2009-10-29T06:07:00.003-04:00

The divorce will be final this afternoon, barring some unforeseen challenge by the Future Ex.

He finally got all his shit out Tuesday. Rudy's Dad (guy I'm dating) helped me pick out this kick-butt stereo/surround sound system and hooked it into the speaker system that was in the condo when we moved in--totally great. Plus, he changed the name of my wireless network to [HugeMD]Rox from a stupid martial arts name and got the Future Ex's name off all my computer stuff. It feels good to get him and his stuff out of my life.

My mom met Rudy's Dad last night--we were finishing up the computer stuff when she got here. She liked him a lot. Good sign, I think, given I'm pretty sure right now she's about as protective of me as an extremely angry mother grizzly bear and probably would have hated his guts at the least little sign of anything suspicious. I, however, am still taking things a day at a time--like him, but not doing anything quickly.

Well, lots to do--Independence Day Party tonight. Should be lots of relatives and old and new friends coming. Lots of people I can't wait to see.

Oh, yeah. Still at 280. I'm pretty sure I'll gain a couple pounds overnight--I plan to drink more than my share of margaritas. Don't tell anyone--I got the secret recipe from Margaritaville. This could be dangerous...

I'm Doing Great--In Most Ways

2009-10-22T22:50:00.007-04:00

So, this is as good a day as any to post after a long absence. No good excuses, really. I am busier than ever--work is nuts with the whole swine flu thing and I'm tired out by it already. My social life has taken a positive turn, and I'm enjoying that--that's probably a big part of what I'm spending my free time on. For that, I don't feel a bit of guilt.

Katie J's comment was the main thing that pushed me to post today. Thanks, Katie. Plus, I had my physical today, so that was a motivator, as well. I'm at 280. That means I'm still under my magical "a hundred down number", but I've obviously backslid. I hesitate to tell myself or anyone else that, considering everything, I'm actually quite happy to be where I'm at. But, I am quite happy to be where I'm at. The hesitation comes in because I don't want to let excusing a little backslide now lead to excusing more and more and pretty soon I'm a hundred pounds up.

I really don't think it's going to happen to me. However, I bet there are millions of people out there who've been exactly where I've been and have ended up exactly where I don't want to be.

I know what I need to do. My eating hasn't been horrible. There has been some room for improvement, but that I've been doing. I have not, except for dog-walking when I babysat the pups this weekend, been working out. That's bad for me on MANY levels. I think about going to the Y sometimes. Not as often as I should. But, even when I think about it, I don't go. In my defense, I caught some crud (non-H1N1) at work and my asthma's been horrible this week, so I can barely walk around at work, let along work out, but that excuse is only going to hold water for a few more days...

That out of the way. I am officially ONE WEEK from my divorce being final. This has been, on the one hand, probably one of the top two hardest things ever in my life--the death of my father being #1. On the other hand, having come through this and having dealt with a lot of the painful part of it already, I truly can say that, in many ways, I'm SO much happier than I have been for a very long time.

I can't say I totally understand why The Future Ex cheated and why my marriage is ending, but I think I'm getting it figured out to some extent. It's a guessing game on my part because all I could get him to say was that he got resentful when I hurt my shoulder and got depressed and he had to do more housework (interesting given we've had someone clean every week for years). I really know it's not because I'm fat, ugly, unsupportive, not affectionate enough, or any of a long list of bad things I could (and have) thought about myself. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I've constantly continued to work to improve myself, to be a better person, and to try to work on relationships when they get rough, whether with him or anyone. No one can ask more than that from a person. I think sometimes, you can just end up with a person you won't be able to make happy no matter what you do. The big issues were his issues. I couldn't help someone who didn't want help, not that I didn't try.

I think that the stress of living with someone who was depressed, anxious, insecure, chronically unhappy, and always looking for something (new job, new sport, new movie, new hobby, and ultimately new woman) to make him magically happy was taking a toll on me that I didn't recognize. I loved the person at the time, so I didn't see it as taking a toll or being a burden--it was just what I felt one did when one is married to someone she loves--supports him through better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. Clearly, not everyone feels so strongly about that. Unfortunately, I was married to one of the latter, but he was a good actor, and I didn't know it until it was too late.

SO, the bottomline is that I am very much looking forward to my divorce being final next week. I am extremely glad I'll no longer be connected to the Idiot. He continues to do stupid things. The latest is that he bought a new sports car. Ironic that when he brings a woman to his apartment in his chick-magnet car, he only has a fold-out sofa to sleep with her on. Thankfully, financially, he's still being reasonable. I've already paid him the divorce settlement (clearly I paid the down-payment on the chick-magnet), so it should be hard for him to go back. It ought to go off without a hitch.

Most importantly, I see this as my chance to start fresh. I still don't know that I'm thinking marriage is a good plan again in the future, but I'm not as utterly opposed to the idea as I once was. I'm still baffled as to how one determines if one's found "the" guy, given that I was with this one 11 years, married 9, without realizing that he wasn't. But, I've dated a little. Had a few "interesting" experiences. Have met one guy I like, even though he's super-conservative politically while I'm more liberal-turning-more-middle-of-the-road-as-I-get-older and pretty much distrust ALL politicians. I've tried not liking the guy solely because of his politics, but I can't--he buys $200/month of eyedrops from India for his blind dog among other sweet things and treats me very nicely--so I take it one date at a time and just have a lot of fun. We went to Margaritaville a couple weeks ago. One of the waitresses was The Future Ex's coworker's wife. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me happy to know it would get back to him that I was there with a guy. I know that's a bit evil, but I do pretty much hate his guts. That's a lot more positive feeling than I had about him a couple months ago, however...

A few other scattered good things: My mom is fine. She has seen the error of her ways and promises to always go to the hospital if she has chest pain. The pups are great--I babysat them last weekend and had SO much fun. Vinny's still adorable as ever, though bigger and stronger. Izzy's still smart as a whip and likes women best and didn't beg to go out a million times a day like before. Celebrated the niece's birthday with Mom, Gramp, Nephew, and Moon, too, on the weekend. Also, I finally got a dose of injectable H1N1 vaccine today thanks to rockin' Dr. S and his nurse and the state I live in; NO thanks to the state health department of the state I bust my ass, I mean, work in.

Again, thanks, Katie. And everyone who persevered to read this rant. Very therapeutic! Sorry for neglecting ya all lately. I won't make any promises, but maybe I'll get back to this better after the Independence Day party's over.

Big WHEW!

2009-10-06T00:13:00.002-04:00

Mom had her coronary angiogram/heart cath. No major blockages, no stents needed, basically not even any cholesterol plaque in her arteries, except MAYBE 10% minimal narrowing in an area of one artery.

They figure she had a spasm in one of her coronary (heart) arteries that led to the chest pain and blocked the artery long enough to cause the death of just enough heart cells to cause the small rise in her heart enzyme tests. This is more common in people with migraines (which she has) and can be made more likely by migraine medicines like Imitrex (which she had taken a few hours before her episode of chest pain).

SO, great news overall. She goes on a medication to try to prevent further artery spasm. It also can make migraines less frequent in some people.

She continues to be a bit stubborn. I'm a little worried that if she's giving me this much trouble at age 58, that a special kind of hell may be awaiting me when she's elderly.

I told her I would change the sheets on her bed when we got home. She proceeded to do it herself and put them in the washer. This then led to a little bleeding at her cath site. I'd been trying to get the point across in a good-natured way all weekend that she needs to take her symptoms seriously and take it easy. Tonight I was pissed. I didn't yell, but I made it clear it was NOT OK for her to be doing this kind of stuff 6 hours after her cath when I was here to do it for her. I made her lie down in her recliner. She was amazingly good the rest of the night.

Again, I love her a lot. I want her to live to drive me even more crazy in her old age. I just wish she would start to worry more about herself and a little less about everyone else and just accept a little help once in awhile!

Call For Thoughts and Prayers

2009-10-04T23:17:00.002-04:00

My mom, the greatest person I know, has had a small heart attack. She's in the hospital where I went to medical school. She had a bit of chest pain today and even a short run of V-Tach (a potentially dangerous heart rhythm that scares me quite a bit whenever I see it and scared me much more so to see it on a monitor attached to my mother) so, needless to say, I'm a bit worried. She's having a coronary angiogram (catheter put into the groin to thread up to shoot dye into the arteries of the heart to look for blockages) tomorrow with angioplasty and stenting if necessary. They're putting it off until then because she's on Coumadin, a blood thinner, and they would rather have her blood not quite so thin prior to the procedure. I know she's in one of the best places ever and will get the best care possible. The attending cardiologist was even my staff on my 4th year Cardiology rotation! That doesn't change the fact I'm worried.

Remember, I love my mother dearly. She is, however, going to drive me insane. She is 58 years old. At this rate, she will have me in the nut-house by the time she's 60.

She started having chest pressure, to her arms, shortness of breath, nausea, all the classic signs, at 3:30am Friday. She took a bunch of Tums, etc., and it just got worse. She was still pretty sure it was just heartburn but decided maybe she should get it checked out. She drove toward the nearest hospital, started to feel better, so drove toward her usual hospital. She felt even better, so she, instead of going in, went home, slept for 45 minutes, and went to work!

She worked all day, having off and on mild chest pressure. When coworkers commented in the afternoon that she looked tired, she told them what had happened. They eventually convinced her she should see a doctor. So she finished work, did her hour-long extra tutoring job, went to feed her neighbor's cat, and then WENT TO URGENT CARE.

She was annoyed, when at urgent care, they made her go to the ER by ambulance instead of letting her drive herself. AT 8:30PM SHE CALLED HER DOCTOR DAUGHTER FOR THE FIRST TIME, 17 hours after the chest pain first occurred, from the emergency room. She was pretty sure it was just heartburn and was just waiting for her cardiac enzyme blood tests to be normal so she could go meet her friends for dinner like she'd planned! No such luck. The test was not normal. She was admitted. I made the middle of the night drive down.

Seriously, she is going to drive me nuts. This is after going a week with the "flu" a few years ago which turned out to be urosepsis (blood infection that started as a urine infection) and led to acute renal (kidney) failure with her creatinine going up to 5.0 (very high and bad) before it came back down. And after last year her ignoring her asthma until she ended up in the hospital with it for over a week.

Anyway, much as she will lead me to the looney bin, I love her more than anything. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers--for her to get through tonight pain-free, for the cath to go well, and for her to learn to take her symptoms seriously and get the help she needs in a timely fashion in the future...

Divorce Party Themes

2009-09-16T10:13:00.002-04:00

So far, I'm thinking Independence Day, even though it'll almost be Halloween. I've elicited other suggestions from my friends on Facebook and in person, but, so far, no one's come up with anything that I like better. I won't say the male stripper idea wasn't a little intriguing... ;)

I want to keep it positive--celebrating the fact that this is my chance to start over in a sense. Open to suggestions. I figure there are some smart, creative chicks reading this, so you all might come up with something really good!

OK, so I'm still not all that motivated, but I did lift some weights last night (my shoulder exercises which I've been neglecting in a big way) and walked for a half hour. It's a start... No change on the weight front.

The Shoes

2009-09-15T17:19:00.002-04:00

Here they are. My mom took a picture of them and posted them on Facebook, so I got a copy from her.

Otherwise, I'm on my week off--I've done a few things around the house, and I've shopped, had fun with friends/new acquaintances, taken a nap, and drank a lot of coffee on my own, too. Overall, a good mix of laziness and responsibility. Massage tomorrow. More coffee I'm sure.

Weight is the same. I'm not motivated.

Neglect

2009-09-11T22:31:00.002-04:00

Yeah, so I've been neglecting the blog big-time.

Last weekend was a blast. Went to my college/med school town, where my mom also lives now, for the first football game of the year. It was also the Taste Of, which was good, but bad. I ate WAY too much.

I bought EIGHT pairs of shoes last Friday. Four on the way--for a total of $38 on clearance. Four after 2 too strong margaritas with my mom. They were on clearance but not cheap--3 pairs of Danskos and 1 Naots. I really needed some new shoes for work. I wear size 11. They're usually virtually impossible to find, so I usually just buy men's shoes, honestly. I actually found comfortable, women's shoes that fit. Pretty good choices considering I was drunk!

Plus, I'm beginning to think I don't hate all men and that maybe I needed some girlier shoes to wear if I might be going on dates.

Now I'm back at my mom's for another game tomorrow. It's nice to get away. Work was insanity this week. Swine flu mania.

Now I'm off for a week. I had all these grand plans of catching up on things at home--I'm realizing that my week's already filling up and that's not likely to happen...

Oh, yeah, and I was at 273 this morning. Last weekend was ugly. It could be worse...

A Toddler Is Out of the Hands of a Druggie

2009-09-01T20:16:00.005-04:00

OK, I get tired of the whole scene of trying to figure out who has pain, who doesn't, who's lying, who's not, who needs pain pills, who's just trying to get them to get high or sell them. Today it went to new heights. I'll keep this really vague. Person came in. Had a toddler with him. Not his--babysitting. No ID. Said it was at home (lived more than 2 minutes away supposedly). Had pain, or so he said. Pupils the size of dinner plates. Asks for narcotics. Is clearly on some kind of drugs other than/in addition to narcotics with those pupils. I said "no ID, no narcs." Came back 2 minutes later and gave the receptionist an ID. She brought it back to me. It didn't match the name OR birthdate he registered under! He registered under a FALSE name but gave me his REAL ID. Lesson: Drugs make you stupid. Under the REAL name, he'd received about 11 million prescriptions for Vicodin, 15 million for Adderall, and 5 million for Ativan. The nurses roomed him and told him I'd be coming in to give him his prescription. We all kept telling him I was in an emergency. I was actually calling 911 and then waiting for the cops. There was no way in HELL I was letting him drive away in a car under the influence of god-knows-what with that kid. He was taken out in cuffs. The baby was bawling after being left with the other cop. The baby's mom came and got him--she had NO idea this shit was going on. I know the patient needs help, and it'd be great if this results in him getting it, but even if he continues to do bazillions of drugs anyway, I don't really care all that much to be honest. That toddler is safe. That's what I care about.

Playing with C's Dogs

2009-08-31T22:52:00.003-04:00

Met C and her son for coffee today and then we took the pups for a walk. They were happy to see me, but not crazily so. That made me happy--I could tell they're happy. They all had a great weekend. C's son is LOVING the pups, especially Vinny. C is bonding even more with Izzy. Her husband's liking them, too. They've actually taught Vinny to lie down, which I thought was virtually impossible. Guess he's become a little smarter with age. He's still slow. They went to visit family in the country and let the pups off leash. Vinny was easy to catch. Izzy, not so much, as is her usual.

We took them to the beach by the river. They had a blast running in the sand, splashing in the water, and chasing sticks C's son tossed into the edge of the water. They won't go in all that far, but Izzy's getting braver. It was so great to see them and know that they're happy and that I can see them any time.

The kitties continue to be extremely happy and relaxed. As is their mom, for the most part.

Scale's the same. OK, tomorrow I work a day shift. NO reason not to get my butt back to the Y. I HAVE to do it.

I'm A Crazy Cat Lady Again

2009-08-29T09:39:00.003-04:00

This is officially a cat house again. I'm hoping this is permanent. The cats are much calmer already again--lounging everywhere and appearing to feel completely safe. I'll admit it's lonelier with no Izzy and Vinny running all over the place. It's already less stressful not having to figure out what to do with them when I have to work or have places to go. I know they're somewhere where they're happy and safe. I think it's the right decision.

I'm down to 268. No workout time because I worked a long shift yesterday.

Today it's off to the Renaissance Fest with S. Lots of walking. Also a probably a turkey leg and a cob of corn. Should tend to even out pretty well. Best of all--pottery and jewelry!

It's A Go!

2009-08-27T19:06:00.003-04:00

C will become the pups' new mom as of tomorrow. They'll also have a dad again and will gain a big brother. I plan to look at myself as their Auntie who babysits them, spoils them, and sends them back to their parents! I'm really much more familiar with that role, anyway. I'm not even the least bit sad at this point, though I know that may change some tomorrow. I think knowing C and her family and them being close by so I'll be able to see the pups anytime makes a HUGE difference. I'm actually very relieved. It's been stressful again having them back and trying to juggle work, dogs, cats, and the rest of life. The cats, I'm sure, will be elated to have them gone again, too.

Other good news--I saw my surgeon yesterday. I'm totally off any work restrictions. I don't have to go back to see him again. He's very happy with how my shoulder's doing. AS AM I. It's been a bit of a gradual process, but, sometime in the past month or so, it's COMPLETELY stopped hurting. I find myself doing things that I used to avoid and having them not hurt and almost becoming teary-eyed with joy! I think I didn't even completely realize how much it hurt when it was really bad. But now I SO realize what a complete and utter relief it is NOT to have it hurt. I told my surgeon how great it feels and how happy I am with the job he did--only there are no words I can put together that can really truly express how thankful I am to him. I know maybe that sounds weird, but it's so true. I mean, the shoulder pain I had put me into a pretty major depression. How do you find the words to thank someone for getting rid of the source of THAT?

I'm trending down weight-wise but haven't hit another half-pound mark. I doubt I will tomorrow because I'm going out for dinner tonight to my favorite Italian place. My pets' vet promised me a beer when all the dog craziness was going on--I'm taking her up on it, though instead we decided to meet for dinner. She has a jerk for an ex, too, so I'm sure they'll be plenty of topics of conversation. She was my patient at my first job-from-hell. She still hasn't forgiven me for leaving that job. I love her so much as a vet, I drive an hour to take my pets to her. Should be a fun, relaxing night.

Last Minute Day Off

2009-08-25T21:51:00.002-04:00

Got rid of shift 7 of 7 last minute yesterday, so I had today off. Tomorrow I'm off, too. Woo-hoo. I was just wiped. It's been busy. People have been crabby.

I'm sorry your baby is sick. I'm very worried about her, too. Please don't swear at me. I didn't make her sick. I'm just trying to get her better. Even though her eye didn't look all that bad, I just had a bad feeling about her and drew a blood count. She had a white blood count of 32,000, which is VERY high. I sent her immediately to the Children's Hospital ER, which was totally the right thing to do. She had a serious eye infection and grew bacteria out of the blood we drew and what they drew in the ER, too. I took really good care of her.

I know the dad was upset. But being upset does not make it acceptable to swear at the person who is nicely trying to take excellent care of your baby. I know he's just a jerk and I shouldn't take it personally, but it's damn hard not to take it personally.

On a good note, I'm holding steady on the weight. Ate some fast food for lunch yesterday because I was running late getting to work or I probably would have lost. It's a rare occurence, so I don't feel badly about it. Got a long dog walk in today.

The pups are home after a great weekend with their future mom, C. They behaved well. Izzy was very loving and cuddly. C admitted she favors the Iz a little, too, because she's so darn smart, and it was a challenge for both of us to get her to be affectionate. She's a spunky dog, and we're spunky women--I think that's part of it! Her husband's taken to Vinny right away.

I'll have them this week and then she'll take them for good on Friday, though I can steal them away whenever I'd like. My mom was so happy to hear how the weekend went and that C plans to take them, but asked, "Do you think I can see them sometimes, too?" She loves the little beasts, too, and, of course, will get to see them.

I think it will be so good in the end. They'll have more time with people home. My cats will be happy. I'll be much less stressed.

Tired

2009-08-23T19:54:00.002-04:00

I'm tired of working. I just finished day 5 of 7. I'm trying to give away day 7 of 7. No takers yet. Usually the money hungry people are scrambling to take extra shifts, so I'm still hoping I can. I have no more dress pants clean because I'm way behind on laundry. I need to pay bills.

I'm at 269. No time to exercise, which is balanced out by not much time to eat.

The pups have been having fun with C. They're behaving fine. Izzy's been warm and cuddly, which C is tickled about because she experienced the standoffish puppy Izzy, too. The only problem is that the Iz jumped out of the playpen. That dog definitely can jump! C's figuring out alternative ways to contain her when needed. Vinny, of course, is mellow Vinny. I think this is going to work out. This trial period may become permanent--she's threatening to just not give them back this week! That'd be OK--I can visit anytime!

Down Despite A Whole Box of Dots

2009-08-21T09:44:00.002-04:00

A movie-sized box. That I resisted eating the other night at the movie. But I didn't resist last night after a killer night at work. I had eaten well the rest of the day, so that and running my butt off at work must have saved me. I'm under 269.5, so I can move the ticker below 270!

OK, so enough with the rain. And this doesn't exactly seem like global warming. It'd be nice to get out of the 60's given it's AUGUST.

Otherwise, status quo. Happy dogs. Ticked off cats. Time-strapped Mom. But the pups will go to C's today for their weekend trial. Hope they have fun. She's already been shopping and got them a playpen and has been looking at invisible fences. They'll definitely be loved.

Sanity Returing Gradually

2009-08-20T10:38:00.002-04:00

OK, so I'm under 270. Lots of dog walks Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday definitely helped. Yesterday none because of work, plus some minor issues like tornadoes all over the area. Today it's rainy and dreary, so probably none today before work, either.

The dogs were back at daycare yesterday for the first time in weeks. It's like someone planned a party for their return--all their favorite dogs! Of course, Ruby, the pug-miniature pinscher with whom Izzy apparently has this evil pact where Izzy poops the minute she gets there so Ruby can try to eat it--dogs really are disgusting beasts sometimes. Both the pug regulars--Vern and Maynard. Maynard has a crush on Izzy and follows her everywhere. Even Bella, the obese puggle, who appears to have slimmed down a bit this summer. Maybe she started a weight loss blog. I'm betting she feels a lot better.

The plan is that C will take the dogs for the weekend for kind of a trial run. We figure they've been through kind of a lot, so this way it shouldn't be all too upsetting for them to be gone a couple days and then they'll have the comfort of being home next week with me. I work all weekend anyway and then have a fair amount of time off next week, so it works out great. They'd be at daycare 12-hour days all weekend anyway. Instead, they'll be playing with C and her son and husband! Then, assuming all goes well, they'll go with them next weekend for good. I'll be able to see them anytime and plan to dogsit whenever I'm able!

Eventually this blog will get back to the topic for which it was originally intended. However, life has gotten in the way. Guess that's how it works with this weight loss thing. Life goes on, and you have to figure out how to keep from eating like crap and how to keep moving at least a little bit in the process, even when things suck. The support helps. Thanks for listening to all the whining and chaos!

Life Back to "Normal" but Maybe The Real Perfect Solution

2009-08-18T07:53:00.004-04:00

It's like the pups were never gone. They're pretty much back to their overall well-behaved selves. Vinny still tends to bark more than I'd like. They still would like to play with the cats. The cats are not amused. Izzy's problem of ringing the bell to go outside 800 times a day even when she doesn't have to go potty seems to be largely cured. She's faked me out MAYBE 3 times so far, but the rest have all been real. And trust me, she gets a treat and lots of sweet "good girls" and pets when she comes through with a bodily substance after a bell ring. No destruction. They sleep all night. Izzy's more cuddly than ever. Vinny's still his cuddly, oafish self.

The woman, now someone I consider a very dear friend, who cleans my house presented me with a new option yesterday. She'd like to take the dogs! But she doesn't want to pressure me. She hadn't offered before because there was some potential they were moving, but that's fallen through. WOW. Either way she's offered to help walk them, pick them up, whatever she can do to help me. She doesn't want me having to rely on The Future Ex. She was his friend first, interestingly (she and her husband met him in karate class). Now I think she's still more upset with him than I am!

This woman knows these dogs well. She's been cleaning for me since before we had either of them. She's seen them at their best and their worst. She saw Izzy--the puppy terror--in all her glory, or lack thereof. She saw all the progress. Izzy used to avoid her like the plague (we wonder if it was the rubber gloves she wore to clean), and she's also had to work on earning the little creature's trust--which is so worth it cuz she's a sweetie. Everything that ever was peed on or chewed on in the dogs' younger days, she knows about. You can't hide much from your cleaning woman!

I know this woman has patience. I know she loves dogs. She's already talking about her and her 12-year-old taking them to obedience classes, which would be perfect. They also have a big yard and her husband's handy and would fence in an area for them. They'd be close by. I could see them anytime. I already told her that if we decided to do it, it could be on a trial basis to make sure it worked out.

Hmmmmm. I'm wondering if this is one of those times where things really do work out like they do for a reason.

They're Home and Happy!

2009-08-16T19:48:00.002-04:00

Whew. They're home. They were extremely happy to see me. Lots of tail wagging, whining, licking. They were really glad to get home and out of the car. They've been playing nonstop--not surprising after 3 days in the car. It was pretty hard to get any pictures because they've been chasing each other all afternoon. This one shows Vinny in mid-ear-flop. We went for a super long dog walk, and they had a blast. No poop or pee inside. Nothing destroyed. Izzy's rung the bell twice to go outside and has actually peed each time. No tricks yet. My mom said they traveled great.

It's so great to have them home. One day at a time. Wednesday I start a stretch of working 7 days straight. That should be a pretty good test. Thank goodness for friends and doggy daycare.

Dog Day 2pm--My House!!

2009-08-16T09:17:00.001-04:00

They're With Gramma!

2009-08-15T21:09:00.002-04:00

Mom and Moon got the pups around noon. Izzy was out of my friend's car already when Mom got there and went NUTS when she saw my mom. Of course, Mom got the usual tail and butt and whole body wagging that is Izzy's signature, but also non-stop licking, which is NOT her norm. Apparently that's the extra special "you saved me from hell" greeting. Vinny got out of the friend's car shortly after and what he noticed first was MY car. He went insane whining and scratching to get in there like "don't you dare not take me with you." He licked his Gramma like crazy, too, but that's to be expected.

They settled down immediately in their kennels in my familiar car and have been nice babies all the way so far. They're a state and a half away. They should be here by early afternoon tomorrow. I can't wait!

The cats have no idea. Wonder if they'll realize once I start putting the baby gates back up. I've always let the cats have a huge portion of the house to themselves. They have a kickbutt cat-tree in the living room, too, so they can sit above the dogs and be safe. I'm thinkin' maybe I should make a bridge across from the loft to the half-wall around my kitchen--they could hang out up there and be safe, too. They sit up in the loft out of reach of the pups, too, but where they can still see us all in the living area.

Work was busy today--I was at another clinic site I usually try to avoid. I'm not sure what's worse--narcotic-seeking thugs or highly irritating rich folk who feel entitled to antibiotics for every little sniffle no matter how ridiculous the idea is and act like I'm rude and incompetent for even suggesting they're unnecessary. Only they don't start throwing around the F-bomb and cornering me in the exam rooms, so I can't scream at them to leave and yell for the nurses to call the cops to hasten their departure. Both of these types are wasting heathcare dollars, by the way.

I was at 270.5 this morning. It's an interesting phenomenon lately that I seem to LOSE weight with stress. ODD. I was starving when I got home tonight, though. I was craving pizza. I knew if I got home, I'd order a totally bad one with meat. So, instead, I got a veggie one from Papa Murphy's. It's not lo-cal by any means, but I had some at a friend's and at least it's COVERED with veggies. I knew it was risky because I tend to go WAY overboard on pizza when I'm really hungry. I ate two pieces with glass of milk, was full, and stopped. Another small victory.

Well, better get ready for the pups. Thanks all for the great support and excellent advice. Y'all are right about keeping the pups, accepting help, and relying on them to keep my sanity.

The Rescue Trip Is In Progress

2009-08-14T22:42:00.003-04:00

My mom and our family friend, Moon, are on their way to the meetup point with my friend and her husband, where they'll exchange the dogs. It'll happen around noon tomorrow and then they'll be heading back here with them, about a 13-14 hour drive. I really can't wait to see them. The closer it gets, the more I'm just thinking maybe this is meant to be. I'm just going to take it a day at a time and be patient. I miss the little creatures SO much. I'm SO thankful to the four of them for making this trip. I wish I was part of it, but it was too short notice to get out of work.

They've been at my friend and her husband's since yesterday morning. Back where patience and knowledge of kennel training abounds, they're doing great. Not pooping and peeing all over the house. Not destroying everything. Sleeping all night. AND, most importantly, it sounds like they're much happier. My friend's husband told her that they better work on getting them back to me quick or THEY might end up keeping them cuz they're so sweet and FOUR dogs would be a bit too much with 3 kids, too.

So, I'm glad to hear that they haven't REALLY turned into the demons the $itch was making them out to be. Haven't heard a peep from her. Just as well. I tend to avoid conflict in general. But, in this situation, I don't think I could control myself.

I was under 271 today again. Got to the Y this morning.

I Think It's Figured Out

2009-08-13T07:35:00.003-04:00

My friend's husband will go get the dogs from his ex today. My friend, I know, is a good animal person. Our families go back for generations, having farmed in the same area a couple generations back. I'm relieved to know they'll be in good hands for now. It looks like they can drive halfway this weekend to meet my mom. She'll be on her way here today and then leave from here tomorrow.

Whew.

Did I post this last night? My brain is fried...again. Still trying to look at the positives in the shittiness in my life. I think this means these dogs are meant to be with me. Yeah, it's been nice and simple without them, but, damn, I've missed them, too. One day at a time. I'll get them calmed back down. If it's absolutely not working, Plan B, to be determined later. I really can't see myself letting that happen, though. The realities of day-to-day life with them are stressful, but they're sweeties, so there are also many positives. The hell of letting them go only to have this happen--undescribable. I REALLY don't think I could do this again.

Seriously, dog/cat people out there! Any advice? The dogs don't want to eat the cats. They whine at them and chase them because they want to play with the cats. The cats are 6, 6, and 9 years old and want nothing to do with any form of play the puppies have in mind. Smoocherkitty had recently begun to sit more calmly on the other side of the gates, which made the dogs start to occasionally sit calmly on their side more often--so I did see tiny glimmers of progress... I guess just more vigilant dog supervision to minimize even further any whining/chasing to try to let the cats' comfort levels increase as much as possible.

I can deal with the stress of the dogs. The one thing that makes me sad is that the cats have been SO happy without them and now we'll be back to a segregated household.

The $itch Posted Them On Craig's List

2009-08-12T23:03:00.002-04:00

If I had wanted THAT to happen, I could have done it. This after she said she was taking her time and not making any decisions without contacting me. I flagged her F-ing ad. I don't know what kind of supposed dog lover would ACT LIKE THIS. I think this has me more pissed off than The Future Ex having an affair!

My friend and her husband are going to get them tomorrow to bring them to their house until we figure out how to get them back here. I'm relieved they'll be out of this $itch's house. Either I'll fly them back or they'll meet my mom halfway driving. What a nightmare.

I'm keeping the dogs. I'll just have to get used to asking for help. Speaking of that--any advice on getting cats and dogs to learn to actually LIKE each other?

Trying to Keep Things In Perspective

2009-08-12T19:26:00.002-04:00

I got an email just now from my friend who is the stepmother of the 14-year-old new "sister" to my dogs. I was a little more encouraged at least. She and her husband have dealt with getting a rescue dog and the whole transition and are working really hard to help this situation work out. She outlined what they did to transition their dog, and it sounds SO smart and exactly what I would've done. So, I sent her a long email about my dogs and their routine here, so she has more perspective on them and their personalities, figuring it can only help. I'm just going to see how this all plays out for now.

However, I have MUCH appreciated all the great advice and am keeping it all in mind. If this doesn't work, I may consider figuring out how to get them back here and keeping them. I mean, yes, I was stressed to some degree, and they didn't get the attention they used to, but they were HAPPY, which I'm not sure is the case now. I already use doggy daycare and that was how things were working AT ALL before. I'd just have to also rely on The Future Ex and friends to get them home from there at night before they close (while I'm still at work) and just accept that I'm not superwoman. I don't think I could take trying to find them ANOTHER home if this does end up falling through. They're north of Seattle, so the big issue would be getting them here (about 1200 miles away). If push came to shove, I'd just have to fly them home--thanks for that thought--it was you Fordo, right?

On a good note, I've been released from PT, barring me having any problems. I've been going to PT almost a YEAR. My visit today was at the Y. Amazingly, Boy PT (Wonder PT's replacement post-baby) says I can try most strength training exercises with a few exceptions as long as I used low weight and don't have pain. Pilates Reformer is probably more a 6-12-month postop venture, but I can deal with that. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical after my PT visit. Felt GOOD.

I'm trending down almost to 271.5. Great considering!

I'm Tired of Drama

2009-08-12T11:08:00.002-04:00

I just want life to be uncomplicated for awhile. Apparently that's not in the cards for me. I can't remember if anyone connected to these people are among the ones I inadvertently outed my blog to, but, honestly, I'm beyond caring at this point. Last night I got home from work to an email from the woman who has my dogs--1200 miles away, so I can't just go get them right now and find them a different new home.

Keep in mind she's had them for exactly ONE WEEK. They are 7 months old and 15 months old. They were driven across the country to a completely new home and new people. She says they are pooping and peeing all over her house. They are chewing and destroying everything. They whine and cry all night. Some insight into part of the problem came when she said she takes them for a walk at 2am in her cul-de-sac because they're whining so much. Rule number one of kenneling dogs--whining does NOT earn your way out of the kennel. If you take them for a walk because they're whining to get out of the kennel, they learn that whining is rewarded by them getting to go for a walk outside at 2am. That's a pretty high-value reward for a dog.

She doesn't know if she can keep them. She may try to find them another home. My concern--anyone that IS going to give them a home HAS to understand that this is a major transition requiring PATIENCE and that it's only fair to the dogs to give them TIME to adjust. Changing homes multiple times will only make things WORSE. I feel horrible. Obviously they're very stressed, which makes me horribly sad. Obviously, this woman who was billed by my friend and herself as an experience dog person has forgotten what it's like to have young dogs or dogs in transition--no matter what it WILL take patience and training. They did NONE of these things in my home anytime recently, but that's due to much HARD WORK on my part to train them AND EARN THEIR TRUST. Honestly, I don't think she's the right person for them if she's not willing to put in any work--dogs are hard work. Trust me, I know, I just couldn't do it with just me. I never would have gotten them if I had known what was going to happen...

This and That

2009-08-10T11:27:00.002-04:00

Back up to 272. Not bad considering Friday and Saturday--see below. I've been out walking but can't get my bum to the Y for some reason. Maybe now that it's getting really hot out, I'll change my mind.

Had a wonderful time celebrating S's "29th" Birthday. Dinner Friday at Buca. Couple glasses of wine and an episode of Lost that night. Her hubby watched the kids over night, so she could stay over and try to get some sleep--storms didn't exactly cooperate for that. Then coffee and jewelry shopping the next morning. Then lunch. Then a movie, which I mostly slept through. She got the most beautiful green amethyst earrings--I didn't even know there was such a stone.

I found out some interesting information at the jewelry store while trying to return some diamond earrings The Future Ex got me on my birthday trying to distract me from a lie I caught him in on that day. Let's just leave it at--the more I find out, the more sure I am this is the right decision.

The pups are in their new home. It sounds like they're doing overall OK. Vinny's being his usual mellow self. It sounds like Izzy's reverting a little bit to her suspicious self who doesn't like to be grabbed. Hopefully that'll get better as she gets to know her new people. That was something it took a long time and a lot of attention for me to work through with her when she was a pup. I think she just maybe wasn't handled as much as a pup as Vinny was.

The cats are in heaven. They've taken back over the house like they own the place--they do really, don't they? I keep wondering if they're thinking the dogs could return at any time. They''re more playful. They're more affectionate with me and each other.

Overall, life is good. Still kind of busy, but catching up on a few things. Still behind on blog reading...

Chick Power

2009-08-05T12:31:00.003-04:00

Took the boat out with a friend yesterday--lots of fun. Really nice day. I hooked it up myself, got it out of the storage, unhooked the old battery, and got a new one. We took the boat out--the landing was a little tough due to the wind, but I backed the trailer in and out without too much trouble going in and out of the water. I felt much more comfortable driving the boat than I have before. Then I took boat back to the storage by myself and backed it in with minimal trouble. Yay! Don't think I could do it myself, but a few more times with someone who know what they're doing, and I should be a pro! It's so relaxing out there. Something I definitely need.

I still miss the pups like crazy. I've received a message back that they're traveling well so far. That helped. The cats are definitely happy with the new arrangement. I have one rubbing on my face and purring as I (try to) type. I'm sure they're just wondering when those horrible creatures will return!

I'm at 271, so down a little. Things have still been a little crazy, so I haven't gotten back into my Y routine. I'm off again starting tomorrow, so I have no excuse not to get there.

So Happy, Yet So Sad

2009-08-01T18:34:00.002-04:00

A high school friend helped me find a home for Izzy and Vinny with her stepdaughter and her mother. They are true dog lovers. They have a fenced-in yard. They live 1200 miles away! Fortunately, the climate will be milder for two little dogs. It's really the only option or offer I had to keep the two together. I think it will be perfect. It was kind of sudden--they called today to say they figured out how to get them transported out there and picked them up today. I took them for a last walk. I hugged and smooched them. I've been in tears all day. This, too, will get easier. I know they'll be extremely happy and well-cared-for. These crazy little creatures and how attached we get to them. Just like when The Wanderer died, today I've vowed never to get another pet--it's so hard to lose them, whether through death or this way. I know the time will come I'll change my mind. I do so love orange tabby cats...

Dog Day

2009-07-30T22:13:00.002-04:00

Had a lazy day overall. Mom and I took The Prince to the vet. He's had diarrhea off and on for awhile. Hopefully, he'll be on the mend. I love my vet. I tried another vet, but nobody's like her. I drive almost an hour to take the beasts to her. I'll call her SuperVet. She's so darn sweet and so darn reasonable about how she deals with things. And the animals love her. And her staff are sweet, too. I keep telling her she needs to charge more, though.

Then we came home. Mom left to go up north. I'm just freakin' tired. I'm not used to working and trying to juggle dogs and cats and the house and PT exercises and everything all by myself. It'll get easier, I'm sure. I feel terrible my mom felt like she was invading my space. She's not. I just haven't had a lot of energy to want to do stuff. I get home and just want to sit around. I SO appreciate all her help in the last week and a half or more. She did a bunch of things that would still be undone if left to me to do.

I snoozed a little. Wasted time on Facebook. Emailed back some people about the pups--no takers yet. Washed some laundry. Watered plants. Walked the dogs. More wasted time on the computer. Not completely unproductive I guess.

Still at 272. Have to get serious again.

OK, Dr. P Agrees With You Girls

2009-07-29T22:44:00.002-04:00

Not that I didn't believe you all. I guess deep down I know it's normal to still be crying sometimes given my circumstances. I'm not going to just magically get over this.

I saw Dr. P today who said a lot of the same stuff you all did. He thinks I'm doing really well considering. He thinks I was completely justified in setting limits for The Future Ex--no lying, no meanness or stay away. I half-jokingly, actually mostly seriously, told him my plan that, if I ever do meet a man I intend to get into a long-term relationship with (I'm fairly anti-marriage at the present time which I kinda hope might change) that I expect him to put the guy through a battery of psychological testing. He laughed, but then was totally serious when he said he frequently does premarital counseling and couples inventories and would hope I would plan on it. Bottomline--I think it was just overall reassuring to have a Ph.D. Psychologist tell me I'm not crazy.

I've made another big decision. There is definitely no way that I, as one person, can reasonably meet the needs of 5 pets. I initially was thinking maybe I should give Smoocherkitty to The Future Ex and find other homes for the other two cats. As I thought about it more, I realized that the cats, as my only pets, would not be a big source of stress for me--cats are quite self-sufficient when need be. The dogs are hard to juggle with work and need a lot more attention. Plus, then I feel like when I'm not working, I need to be spending all that time with them. The result is, I don't feel like I can spend my couple hours at the Y in the morning before work without neglecting them even further. Plus, as my vet pointed out, it's much easier to find homes for popular young dogs than for old cats. And old cats don't adjust to change very well. Therefore, I've decided to find the dogs a new home or homes. I'm hoping to be able to do so myself and keep them together if I can. Otherwise, I have connections with a pug rescue who could help me find them a home. Much as I hate the thought and love the dogs, I think it's the only sane decision.

I had PT today and had all my exercises upped a bit. Now in the next 2 months I make my way from lifting 1 lb. to lifting 3 lbs. Woo-hoo. Sounds pathetic, but it actually seems like progress.

I realize I never updated y'all on the family wedding. And I thought MY family was insane when they get drunk. It's bad when the bridesmaids are all escaping to the bathroom to get a break from getting their butts grabbed by the groomsmen. It was a noon wedding. We left by 5pm. As we were leaving, my cousin (the bride's sister) made it very clear that, if her ass was grabbed one more time, the grabber was going to get decked. I have no doubt the girl would and could do it. It never came to that, but she was home in bed by 11pm. This is a girl who can party until dawn, so it could not have been good if she was home that early.

Last but not least, I was still at 272 this morning. A little more eating out with my mom here, so I'm glad to still be there. I had today off and have three more days off, so I need to get out and walk the pups. That should help.

Again, thanks all for the support!

Stupid Tears

2009-07-26T23:11:00.002-04:00

OK, so the idiot sends me a check about something, and I get an email from him about another check. And I get all teary.

Why the hell do we women cry like this? I'd been doing so well. I'd been becoming indifferent to him. It was so much better when I hadn't heard from him.

So, I guess I needed a reminder that, even though I've been feeling good, I'm not over this.

Thank God for great support. Mom and everyone else. I see Dr. P on Wednesday. I was starting to think maybe that was pointless. Obviously not.

I'm at 272. Less eating out. Yogurt, granola, and fruit at work. Stupid work cutting into my dog walking time. I have to get into a workout routine now that I'm back to work.

Quick Check-In

2009-07-24T09:34:00.002-04:00

Down to 273. Back to work. Eating well. Continuing to cope well. It helps to be busy. It helps that my mom is visiting. It helps that The Future Ex was a jerk last time I saw him.

I'm getting some little non-urgent, annoying, no-big-deal medical things taken care of while I still have two insurances. Dealing with minor doggie ailments. Still thinking about the whole pet dynamic and what to do. I'm not broaching it with The Future Ex until I'm sure. Plus, it's been nice not having talked to him in awhile. I have no desire to break the streak. I see that as a plus. For awhile, I would get these funny urges just to talk to him. I think I'm starting to feel more indifferent to him. Still angry, but not as much, and definitely not as hurt and sad. This feels like a much better place to be.

Sorry so boring. Not much to report. I'll have to get more creative and come up with something more interesting to talk about. I have a family wedding coming up Saturday. Drunken family should provide something interesting...

A Couple Days Off

2009-07-22T08:59:00.002-04:00

It's an adjustment getting back into the swing of this work thing. Plus now I have to figure out how to juggle the pups by myself. It's going OK. It helps that my mom is here right now and can help me pick them up from daycare sometimes.

I didn't get nearly as much done yesterday as I'd hoped. I just didn't feel like doing much. Again, lots of help from mom. Still have lots to do today, including some paperwork from work. I need to get a dogwalk or two in. The Devil was at the door constantly yesterday, despite thunderstorms and pouring rain all day. I don't think dogs have very long memories.

I've hung in there fairly well as far as the food. Went to Olive Garden yesterday with mom to meet the cousins. I had one bowl of salad, one of soup, and one breadstick. We then went to one of my favorite restaurants in town, let's just call it Margaritaville, and had Thai Peanut Wings and two margaritas. I'm hanging in there at 274 despite all the salt.

I've been thinking a lot about the pets. I'm feeling the cats are neglected. I think The Future Ex might be able to have one cat. I'm thinking about letting him have Smoocherkitty. I wouldn't even consider it before, basically because I was so ticked off at him (The Ex) and because I love that adorable, loving cat. Now that I'm a bit more on the sane side, I'm realizing that who I need to consider is the cat. The cats avoid the dogs like the plague. This means, though they have plenty of places to escape to, they generally are not where I'm at. I make efforts to seek them out and pet them, but it's nothing like the pre-dog era where they lounged on us all the time 24/7. It was an issue with two of us in the house, but now it's even worse with just me here. Realistically, one person cannot give proper attention to 5 creatures. The Future Ex really does love that cat, so I know he'd get more attention there. I'm going to think about it some more.

Crazy Squirrels

2009-07-20T23:20:00.002-04:00

These crazy things would hang upside down from the feeders and reach up for food and then hang upside down and eat it. Quite entertaining. That's the extent of my wildlife pics. Back to the pets tomorrow. I was down a half pound today. Mom's here. I'm so glad to see her and have company. The danger is too much eating out. I have to be strong!

Cardinal Identity Crisis

2009-07-19T22:09:00.003-04:00

I might as well keep on with my very limited collection of wildlife photos from the old house. I love these bird feeder hooks and still have them here, but I don't get Cardinals here, presumably due to the lack of mature trees in the yard. I got a huge kick out of this bird's confusion, checking out the metal Cardinal on top of my hooks like he was real. I never got good pics of much of the other wildlife we saw when we lived in the country--eagles, wild turkeys, deer, raccoons, stupid chipmunks... Tomorrow I'll finish the series with the interesting way the squirrels managed to gorge themselves on our bird feeders, to the delight of our cats.

Makin' Granola

2009-07-19T21:49:00.002-04:00

Here's My Granola Recipe as it currently stands--as requested by Dragonfly:

15 cups old-fashioned oats (the big canister)
1 TBSP. cinnamon
1 cup almonds
1 cup pecans
1 cup walnuts
Mix together. Use any combination of nuts you like and chop them to whatever consistency you like.
1 cup honey
1 cup canola oil (I use SmartBalance oil--combo of canola, olive, and soy)
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 TBSP. vanilla
Mix the honey, oil, sugar, and vanilla. Works best with a whisk. Pour over the dry ingredient mixture and mix well. Pour onto two sprayed/oiled baking sheets. Bake at 350 degrees F for 20-25 minutes, stir, then reduce heat to 225 degrees F and bake 1 hour, stirring every 15 minutes. Cool completely. Store in a tightly sealed container.

This recipe lasts me months. I usually share. It is to be eaten sparingly. I usually have a quarter to half cup with yogurt and fruit for supper at work. It's very filling and quick to eat. It works for a busy doc in urgent care and would probably be a good option for a new doctor-in-training in Australia, as well. Hope you try it, Dragonfly.

As above it has 560 calories per cup with 29 grams fat (3 g saturated, 10 g polyunsaturated, 14 g monounsaturated), 70 grams carbs, 9 grams fiber, 18 grams sugar, 11 grams protein, as I calculated on Sparkrecipes.

The original recipe had 3 cups less oatmeal, another cup of nuts, another half cup of oil, and another cup of honey, but no brown sugar. I've tweaked it quite a bit, and this seems to be the right mixture for me in terms of cutting back on calories some but still tasting good and having enough moist ingredients to coat the oatmeal.

Now, I need to do charts while it's baking. I got yesterday's done by the end of work today, but now I have today's. At least it wasn't as crazy busy. It was a little crazy, though.

Tired

2009-07-18T21:57:00.002-04:00

The good thing about work is it keeps me busy. The bad thing is it keeps me busy. I'm freakin' tired. And I didn't get a single of today's charts dictated yet. I did get the four I had left from last night done.

I'm tired and going to bed. No energy to make granola, or give you the recipe, Dragonfly, or dictate charts. Maybe tomorrow. I should do my PT exercises quick.

I was just under 275 again this morning. Thanks to HugeMD's Miracle Weight Loss Fruit, Yogurt, and Granola Dinner last night. Oh, yeah, and running my butt off at work. And last night wasn't as busy as today. I might have counteracted any benefit from today's craziness at work by going out and eating a burger and onion rings tonight. Getting too hungry definitely puts me at risk of making very bad decisions. I ate reasonably earlier in the day, so we'll see how things work out.

Night all.

Orioles

2009-07-17T11:08:00.001-04:00

Here's other wildlife we had at the old house that we don't have here--orioles. My ex-neighbor told us to put out grape jelly. They loved it. They're beautiful.

A Pound of Cheese

2009-07-17T10:26:00.003-04:00

So I had to move the ticker up to 276. Not surprising since I ate a pound of cheese (at least?) yesterday during my lovely deck-sitting, hot-tubbing, girl-talking, dog-watching relaxing day. I also ate a lot of fruit and some yogurt, so it wasn't all bad, but I have not gotten over my inability to have cheese in my immediate vicinity and resist eating it. (Though a big improvement is that I have it in my refrig and can cut one piece and eat it and leave the rest.) Now I work 4 days in a row, so that pound should come back off in no time with my work yogurt and fruit meal replacement. I used up the last of my granola and don't know when I'll have time to make more. Maybe I'll just toss in some nuts.

I know some people probably think it's crazy to weigh (almost) everyday. I've tried it every which way. The old me just never stepped on a scale. If I didn't know what I weighed, I could somehow delude myself into thinking I wasn't that fat. For awhile, I just weighed when I went to Dr. M's. When I was carrying around over a hundred pounds more than I am now and the weight was coming off easier, that worked. Once a week was OK for awhile, too, but then I would find myself in the mindset of slacking off after weighing for a few days, and then being "good" as my weigh-in day approached again. This way, I see the ups and downs everyday. I recognize they don't always make sense, and I can't let my self-esteem go up and down with the scale. But, I can also see if I'm letting things get out of hand. For now, this is working. If it's not or it's starting to drive me crazy, I'll reevaluate. It's a process.

I've thought about a couple additional benefits of getting rid of The Future Ex. They seem somehow extremely appropriate. The junkmail burden in this house has gone way down. I still have piles of mail to go through and seem to never be able to keep up (do people in other professions get as much work-related junk mail as doctors?), but they're definitely less than what they used to be. In addition, the amount of garbage this household produces seems to have decreased by more than half. My trash can has been almost empty the last couple weeks when I roll it to the curb.

A Great Day

2009-07-16T22:34:00.002-04:00

Started the day with coffee with friends, younger and older, at Coffee Heaven.

Then PT with New PT. He's a very nice guy. He, too, thought I'm doing very well. I'm so glad I had the surgery. Deciding whether to do it was difficult--I worried about being one of those rare people who had more trouble rather than less after surgery. I feel very blessed to have found an excellent surgeon and excellent physical therapists. I definitely think that acupuncture and massage therapy have hastened my recovery, as well, and that, again, I was blessed to find excellent practitioners. I could be done with PT in a month/two more visits! Wow. I'm kind of in shock. I will have been doing this almost a year. I made sure he knows my goals are to get back to weightlifting and Pilates, so he's going to make the visit in a month (my last one if all is going well) at the Y so he can go through what I should and should not be doing as far as getting back to working out as time goes on.

After PT, I headed to Moon's, a very good forever family friend's (I was the flowergirl in their wedding), to hang out with her and S, a newer friend. Another perk of having left my former job-from-hell--awesome patients now awesome friends. It was chilly, so we didn't have the boat ride we'd planned. Instead, we hung out on the deck, sat in the hot tub, talked, drank margaritas, and ate too much. The pups ran around with Moon and her hubby's pups in their yard and had a blast. They were all extremely tired tonight.

I stopped at the ex-neighbor's house on the way home. They're the best. Super-supportive, too. They had never met Izzy and Vinny in person, so I figured it was time. So good to see them.

An interesting phenomenon--right now I think many of the people I'm close to are more angry at The Future Ex than I am.

That's Entertainment

2009-07-15T22:33:00.001-04:00

One drawback to the new house is the lack of squirrel traffic for the cats. At the old house, there were squirrels galore. We made no effort to keep them out of the bird feeders because the cats found them far more entertaining than the birds. Obviously, the squirrels there became quite comfortable and well-fed, as you can see.

In Control Of My Own Destiny

2009-07-15T21:34:00.003-04:00

I saw Dr. M, the endocrinologist, today. I've basically maintained my current weight since October 2007 with a few variations (such as the 15lbs. I gained during my post-surgery Percocet haze and have now pretty much lost). Getting here and staying here is a major accomplishment, one of which I'm very proud. It's done wonders for my self-esteem. I am, however, still obese and could feel better and be healthier. He'd like to see me lose more. I'd like to lose more.

He broached going back up to 15mg on the Meridia. I'm very reluctant given that's the dose I was on when I had the two episodes of SVT (rapid heartbeat). I never lost more on 15mg than 10 anyway. I don't feel the need to personally experience getting adenosine, and I'd really rather not end up getting transferred to the ER by rig from work some night. I'm happy with the Topamax where it's at. No noticeable side effects. I'm not totally convinced it's done much for my appetite, but my migraines are marvelously improved. The Alli has seemed to make things easier. He brought up metformin again, which I've tried at least twice, and have tried to tolerate until the side effects become bearable, but it makes me feel like I perpetually have to puke.

Bottomline is, the drugs gave me a good headstart. The Meridia makes me not obsess about food 24/7 which is a relief, in and of itself. Now, I'm in control of my life completely. I control when I eat out, what I cook, what food is in the house. My shoulder's on the mend. Though I won't be able to weight train and do Pilates fully for probably another 9 months or so, I'm on the road to getting there. Sure, I have a major stressor going on right now, but I've also learned over the last 2 1/2 years that exercise is a HUGE stress reliever for me. Walking those dogs is part of what's keeping me from being completely insane. Dr. M is right. This may the perfect time for a new start. I'm realistic. Right this moment, when I'm still partially insane, may not be EXACTLY the right moment, but this breakup, the upcoming divorce, the chance to completely control my own destiny again, is the perfect chance to start to gradually make a lot of positive changes (I know, no drastic ones for awhile).

One I know I need to work on making is getting over the anger, the uncontrollable crying, the hostility, the self-pity... I know these are normal in my situation, but, quite frankly, I'm tiring of them. I'm reading a book called "Coming Apart." It's about how in today's world, it's unrealistic to expect all relationships to last a lifetime. They end. That doesn't mean, if they do, that we're failures. The author talks a lot about relationships ending because one or both partners has finished whatever developmental tasks they needed to work on when they entered the relationship.

I've changed a ton in the last 4 years, not only in appearance, but emotionally since leaving my job-from-hell (after medical school which is kinda tough and residency which is definitely from-hell). I don't have it all figured out. But definitely I've changed, in my opinion for the better, and that had to change the balance of our relationship. The more I think about it, the more I've been increasingly unhappy in the relationship in recent years, too. I think maybe this was destined to happen. I wish it hadn't happened exactly like this, but I think eventually it would have ended one way or another. More to work on and figure out (not sure I know how but I have Dr. P to help) but, at least for today, I'm feeling less crazy. That's a good thing.

Oh, yeah, and I got to move the ticker down a half a pound. Nice cool day. Half hour dog walk this morning, 40 minute one this evening. Very relaxing. As was my acupuncture this afternoon. My shoulder and upper back are MUCH better, so she gave me a "heart" treatment today. I agree that's probably my bigger problem at the moment...

Sleeping Cats This Time

2009-07-14T11:41:00.001-04:00

The Squawker, The Grey Mouser, and The Wanderer in one of their famous Piles 'O Cats. There's nothing much more relaxing than watching babies, cats, or dogs sleep.

275.5

2009-07-14T09:27:00.002-04:00

Guess I didn't do as badly as I thought this weekend. We did walk the pups a lot, which helped, I'm sure.

Amazing how nice The Future Ex can be when his check got deposited in my account, again, and he needs me to put it into his. Very apologetic. I told him that's fine and all, that his words may say he's sorry, but none of his actions are telling me that whatsoever.

I'm not letting him off the hook thinking he can just keep treating me like shit and lying to me and then just apologize and be forgiven. I don't live with him anymore. I don't need to compromise and give-and-take and put up with his little idiosyncracies like I used to do when we were in a relationship and I loved him and the little things didn't matter. I'm calling him on the carpet on every shitty thing from here on out. I don't want to be one of the many exes he runs to when the next relationship hits a minor rough patch.

I'm beginning to think I'm in an angry stage again...

Sleepy Dogs

2009-07-13T22:52:00.002-04:00

As I was looking for a sweet nice picture to post to counteract the ending of the post below, I looked down to see this sight! Vinny, The Prince, with his arm around Izzy, The Devil. So cute. Vinny's also snoring quite loudly.

So Good To Get Away, So Bad To Get Back

2009-07-13T22:22:00.003-04:00

Went to my mom's for the weekend with the pups. We had a great time. Went to an art fair. Shopped. Ate too much, unfortunately. Many short dog walks. Visited a dear medical school/residency friend and her partner and their two beautiful daughters. It was so nice to catch up, and they were so sweet to listen. The pups loved trying to lick the baby's toes and playing with their older daughter. They had a big fenced-in yard to run around in--freedom like they never have otherwise.

Somehow none of The Future Ex crap hurt as bad to talk about when I was away. I got a dartboard from my mom with a picture of her ex and my future one in the middle of it. She also gave us a dog toy called "The Ex" which the pups have been happily munching on. I can't wait for The Devil to tear its guts out getting to the squeaker. I think that will make me feel better.

I got home in time for a massage. The Miracle Worker's been off for two weeks and my shoulder and upper back were feeling it. The two people I saw in his absence just weren't the same. The woman last week gave me a bruise on my back the size of a large grapefruit. I can already tell my shoulder and back are a million times better today and my shoulder range of motion has taken another step forward.

Of course, then tonight The Future Ex calls and needs to drop off something. It's his usual talking as if nothing has happened. I got him to help me move a couple heavy things now that the carpets are dry.

Then I told him I don't appreciate him continuing to still lie to me like--that I knew he was with Her last weekend because of the web of lies he told different people not matching up. He admitted he's "still seeing Her and a bunch of other people".

What an asshole. I said "Oh, yeah, all the other women who's numbers were in your phone?"

Then he couldn't get out of here fast enough. I called him later and told him what a completely low blow that was. And that it makes me not believe him when he says he feels bad for what he's done to me. And that it makes me think his whole "I'm a nice guy, I'm just messed up thing" is just an act and that he's really a jerk. I told him that if he is going to lie to me or say horrible things like that to me, then he should not call me or drop stuff off at all. He should just put it in the mail.

That led to another attempt by him to explain how hard it is on him dealing with all of this, but to me, it just sounds like the teacher on Peanuts--"WHHAA-WHHAA-WHHAA-WHHAA".

(Warning: Even more swearing ahead!)

Why would he think I care how hard this is on him? HE IS THE FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO CHEATED ON ME (MORE THAN ONCE BY THE WAY) WHICH LED TO ME KICKING HIM OUT AND FILING FOR DIVORCE. HE IS THE DUMBASS WHO COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS. I HAVE NO FUCKING SYMPATHY FOR HIM.

AAAAAHHHHHH. I feel better now.

Babies!

2009-07-10T12:25:00.002-04:00

Here are The Grey Mouser and The Squawker as barn cats before we rescued them. The Holstein cat in the middle is their sister who was too wild to catch. Cute, eh?

Wonder PT had her baby! 35 weeks, so he should be fine. Guess he needed a little oxygen, but is otherwise doing OK. Now, I guess she's already worrying about her patients. Sounds like her. I'm so glad they're OK. I'll miss her, for sure, but I'll catch up with her to see that baby when I get home. I'm so thankful to her for getting me through the worst of this.

Glad That's Over

2009-07-10T10:45:00.002-04:00

Whoa. Major meltdown after work last night. Called The Future Ex. It was stupid, but I had this overwhelming urge. I somehow couldn't let our anniversary go by without at least acknowledging it. I mean, nine years, 11 with him total. That's over a quarter of my life with him.

Hung up on him once cuz he was an idiot. Then I called him back. We actually had a decent talk. I definitely have more insight into the question that keeps popping back into my head--"Why?" I know I'm not perfect, but he did help convince me that this really was HIS problem. He was depressed, among other issues. I tried and tried to get him to talk to me and get help, and he just wouldn't for a long time. By the time he did, it was basically too late. He wasn't happy. He turned to someone else. He wanted it both ways--me and her. He says he was being selfish. Yup. I think he truly does feel terrible for what he's done, as he should. Probably doesn't help me sobbing on the phone last night. He tried telling me about how hard this is for him--I didn't want any of that and told him so. I can't feel sorry for him at this point.

It still doesn't change the fact that, if things were the way I wanted them, we'd still be together, he wouldn't have cheated, and, sure, maybe times were rough with us both being depressed, etc. but, hell, marriages have rough times and you work it through and learn to love each other more. Unfortunately, it's also clear from talking to him that he's got too many issues to work through, and I don't think he can commit to anyone right now. I think I've made the only choice I can given the circumstances. I'm not saying I like that choice, but I'm comfortable it's right, and I'll learn to accept it. Some days will be good in the meantime, some OK, and some will suck.

Damn, stupid blogger, lost the rest of this post.

Anyway, I know in the end, I'll be a better person. It's just that this is not exactly the way I would have chosen to become that person. Unfortunately, I guess it's not my choice to make.

Oh, yeah, I'm still at 277.5. I have to focus this weekend. I see Dr. M next Wednesday, and I'd like to be relatively close to where I was pre-rotator cuff repair. I plan to ask his opinion on, if I need it, where he'd recommend going with the Prozac given the Meridia, too. Be prepared, just in case.

The carpet cleaner is here. Then the pups and I are off to my mom's for the weekend. Giggles's dad is going to feed the kitties. He's not a cat fan, but they love him so much, given he's their food source when we're gone, that they've become "his" cats. I really appreciate his help.

Thanks, all, "real" and "virtual" for the support.

Happy Un-iversary To Me

2009-07-09T08:08:00.004-04:00

Under 277.5 today! Work helps that, too, I guess. This may be hard to maintain during this week off coming up, especially going to my mom's this weekend. Too many good restaurants in that town. I just need to remember--I don't need to eat what they give me. I really want to get to the yummy Himalayan vegetarian place. That's healthy, for sure.

I feel the need to get everything cleaned. Not so much clean it myself necessarily. I'm getting the carpets cleaned tomorrow. Subconscious need to wash away all signs of him? Really, I think it's more that Prince Vinny's six months old and hasn't had an accident in awhile, and it's definitely time to get a really good job done instead of just spot-cleaning.

Yeah, so 9 years ago today I married The Future Ex. I thought I'd be much more upset today. I guess the day is young, but so far, it seems like any other day, pretty good one so far. I have PT, work, things to do around the house, so hopefully keeping busy will just keep me from starting to wallow in self-pity again. It didn't serve me well this weekend, so I'm going to try not to go there.
I'm going to go get some coffee...mmmmmmm.

Addendum: OK, so I was determined not to cry today. I got to Coffee Heaven to find that my mom had called there and bought me a gift card and had them write in a sweet note. Of course, I lost it then and there. But, they were happy tears mostly, because of how lucky I am to have such a great mom.

I am a little worried. The PT Place called. Wonder PT was going home "sick" so my appointment was cancelled. I'm hoping that baby isn't trying to come early. She's due in August, so, worst-case scenario and she had him now, he'd still be OK, but I'd so rather he wait a few weeks! I have her, her husband, and that little guy in my thoughts and prayers.

Work Definitely Helps

2009-07-08T23:04:00.002-04:00

I was under 279 today. No walk today between work, going to sign something at the lawyer's, and acupuncture. I still have to get my PT in. I go there tomorrow. One more night of work before my week off. I don't know if I can keep up this grueling schedule.

Actually, work was good tonight. I worked with some of my favorite people. It wasn't crazy. Nice patients. It definitely keeps my mind off things. It'll be good to get back at it more steady.

I do feel like the dogs are a bit neglected having a single mom now that I'm back at work. I don't know that they feel it so much. My sweet friend, Angel, has agreed to pick them up at daycare for me before it closes, so I can still take them there. That means they are still well-entertained by their human and canine friends there, just like before. It's just that their dad's not home sleeping while I'm at work. It does mean they get dropped off and put in their kennels for an hour or two before I get home, which is new, but that shouldn't be too bad. They're usually pretty tired after daycare anyway, so hopefully they just snooze.

Here I was writing about feeling guilty about the poor dogs being neglected when I was summoned to the door by Izzy ringing the bell to go potty and found this written by Angel on a note on the table: "Vinny and Izzy met and played with our puggle/dog crazy friends, So and So. So much fun!"

Guess I don't need to worry, huh? Apparently they have more of a social life than I do at times!

More Proof Cats Aren't Stupid

2009-07-08T10:16:00.001-04:00

The Grey Mouser and The Squawker in their younger days.

I Guess I'm Not Going Crazy

2009-07-07T22:18:00.003-04:00

On a weight loss note, I'm even. Honestly, I bounced up a couple pounds over the weekend (see previous post about TWO Fourth of July parties), but just couldn't deal with posting it. Now I'm right back at 279. I'm perfectly happy with that!

I'm really sorry to anyone reading this for the depressing turn this blog has taken of late. Eventually the cheating husband/divorce theme will hopefully fade more into the background, but, unfortunately, for now, it's the main topic knocking around inside this brain.

I've been feeling sorry for myself the last few days. I think the weekend, while fun because I got to see everyone, was more stressful than I realized, having to tell people and talk about it. It's nice to have people be supportive, but I think there's a fine line between support and pity, and then I found myself pitying myself a little too much.

I'm a strong chick. In the end, I will be better off. No more lies (or at least his lies are not my problem anymore). No more checking cell phone records. No more wondering how the hell he can spend so much money on Amazon when I've rarely ever seen him actually FINISH reading a whole book. BLAH. BLAH. I'm sick of talking about him.

Nothing is holding me back. I control my finances, and, if I decide to change the focus of my career, I can. I can control how much I spend, so I can control how much I need to make. I don't need a man to survive. If I do find one someday with whom I think I can have a healthy relationship (after intensive psychological screening and testing by Dr. P), great!

I have more closet space. I have another entire dresser to fill. I have cupboards filled with gluten-y goodness. More bathroom vanity space for me. A more sane-sized HDTV in my living room--he got the big screen, I got the Ethan Allen furniture. Plenty of room in the garage. The entire bed to myself every night instead of just 6 out of every 9 nights!

I saw Dr. P this afternoon. I cried virtually the entire time. He helped me realized that it's normal to be upset and cry sometimes--that the key to not slipping into depression with this is not letting my thoughts get too distorted and irrational. This is what he's taught in his depression classes is the essence of the difference between sadness and depression. I know that I'm not going to do this perfectly all the time (it's a process--my mantra since starting the weight loss thing), but I just have to keep them from spiraling down into a big vat of self-pity.

I realized after I left there that, for the most part, I've succeeded in this so far--I haven't off'ed myself or even considered it for a nanosecond, I'm not a patient on a psych ward, I'm going to work (to the extent that's been required of me so far), I'm going about my daily life seeing friends and family, I'm not laying in bed 24/7 with my head covered bawling constantly.

Though I currently have little else I'd thank him for right now, other than being civil and for signing the divorce settlement today (!), I do have to thank The Future Ex for leading me to Dr. P.

No matter what his twisted intentions may have been when taking me with him to counseling while he was continuing to have an affair and when he couldn't say whether or not he actually wanted to WORK on our relationship, it got me there. I took a chance and went to Dr. P's depression classes, a jump out of my comfort zone. Dr. P taught us the importance of and the keys to more healthy thinking. I was learning this while going through very stressful events. I've had ample opportunity to try it out and see that it truly makes me feel better.

Honestly, if it weren't for Dr. P, his depression classes, the great group of people in the class, and the skills I learned there, I don't know what kind of shape I'd be in right now. The "old" me would probably have been, at the very least, crying in bed 24/7. I truly believe this is one of those time where things happened for a reason.

One day at a time. Thanks for listening.

The Dogs Also Approve

2009-07-05T23:03:00.003-04:00

Apparently the newly washed deck makes a good place for pups to play and rest. No furniture and plants to get in the way. Although I'm sure The Prince, aka Vinny, was disappointed he couldn't eat potting soil out of my plants. Maybe that's why he seems to be in a growth spurt and to have caught up to his sister in size--the Miracle-Gro potting soil!

By the way, my mom and I took them back to the scene of Izzy, The Devil's, May escape. I'm happy to report no incidents. They were well-behaved, calm dogs, loved by all while we peacefully drank our coffee.

Life's Simple Pleasures

2009-07-05T16:34:00.002-04:00

Our condo association requires that everyone refinish their deck every few years. It has to be done by September of this year. When I got home the other day, there was a flyer from another of our condo owners saying he is an unemployed construction worker and would do the deck refinishing for a very reasonable price. I called him right away because I had no intention of doing it myself.

He's here today powerwashing the deck. What a wonderful invention, the powerwasher. The deck has turned from a nasty dark brown to a beautiful golden wood color. It's such a simple thing, but it makes me happy!

I don't think it hurts that the guy I hired is good-looking and is doing the powerwashing in just a pair of shorts right outside my sliding glass door...

OK, so maybe I don't hate all men as much as I thought.

A Favorite Cat Pic

2009-07-05T09:26:00.001-04:00

The is definitely one of my favorites. The Squawker, Smoocherkitty, The Wanderer, and The Grey Mouser all lined up watching the bird feeders at the old house. It's actually at the bottom of my blog, but in case you don't get down to see it. Definitely appropriate for a perfect summer day.

More Confused Than Ever

2009-07-05T00:10:00.002-04:00

I was still at 279 this morning. I doubt I'll be that lucky tomorrow after a birthday party and a wedding reception. My adorable godson, Happy, turned one. He is the most good-natured baby. He, of course, smeared the traditional little baby cake all over himself. Great party in a gorgeous park by the lake. It downpoured right before but then the sun came out just in time for Happy's party.

My long-time friend, The Bride, got married. She babysat for me when I was little, and then I babysat her kids when they were babies. Now her daughter HAS a baby (which makes me feel old). I love this family.

This was The Bride's second marriage. Her first husband cheated on her, too. She definitely understands. She says it gets better. She says it really does, even though she never believed anyone when they used to tell her that.

I think I maybe I kind of understand what some of my friends feel like now when I think about how I felt when I found out about The Jerk cheating on The Bride. I'd always liked him and thought he was a nice guy. But, after he cheated on such a sweet, wonderful woman, I hated his guts.

Today was hard as hell. It was great to see people, but it was really tough to have to talk about it. Tough to talk about it with people who already knew, and even tougher when people who didn't know asked about him.

Of course, no one can believe it at first. The Bride's cousin, who I saw today, who was also at our mutual friend's funeral with The Future Ex a month ago, was floored when the bride told her today. She told me at least three times how he went on and on to them at the get-together after the funeral about how great I am. This was during the time he was having his affair.

I just wish I understood it. I don't understand why? I don't know why I want to understand why. I don't know if it would even help if I understood. I vacillate between knowing that nothing I've done and nothing I am would ever justify him cheating on me, to wondering what I did to deserve this and what is wrong with me.

Most of the time, I know nothing I did justifies him cheating, and that I am not a bad person and don't deserve to be cheated on. But, not understanding why leaves me with this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that, when I'm down or lonely, makes me not truly believe those facts.

I guess with time it will get easier. The Bride assures me it will. She's a smart chick, and she knows.

Popular Puggles

2009-07-03T12:18:00.002-04:00

Just under 279. I'm happy to be hanging in there. I'm down significantly from after surgery. I could be gaining given the circumstances.

I walked the dogs twice yesterday, 20-30 minutes each time. They've become something of celebrities among the neighborhood kids. Kids that I don't remember ever seeing remember their names. It's becoming much harder to get by certain parts of the neighborhood if I'm in a hurry. If I'm not, it's a blast to let the kids pet them. The dogs love kids. The kids love the dogs. It tickles me pink to hear the kids giggle after getting their knee or toes licked. They "oooh" and "aaah" over how soft the dogs ears are. They love their funny curled tails.

They are definitely more work for one person, but I think I'd be even lonelier without them. I've also really made the conscious effort to stay more calm with them. In many ways, I've bonded more with them, and, as a result, I think their behavior is better. More consistency, I think, just having one master.

Well, off to do errands. My mom comes this afternoon. Birthday party and wedding reception tomorrow. Busy weekend, so that's good.

Happy 4th, all!

All Of The Hobbits

2009-07-03T12:11:00.002-04:00

Before The Wanderer went on his last big adventure, and when The Squawker and The Grey Mouser were babies.

Kid-Taken Pic

2009-07-02T17:43:00.003-04:00

The kids wanted to take pics of the dogs yesterday. I thought this one that one of them took of The Devil (aka Izzy) was adorable. Can't ya just see how spunky she is?

I'm OK Until I'm Not Busy Enough

2009-07-02T17:30:00.002-04:00

I'm still at 279. I've been walking the dogs pretty regularly. Eating fairly well.

I had a great time with Dr. Lucky and her daughter. They stayed here Tuesday night. Wednesday morning Smoocherkitty's Auntie S came over with her two kiddos and we all hung out until I had to get ready for work. S's two have previously been understandably afraid of my hyperactive mutts. Dr. Lucky's daughter LOVED them. S's kids have now learned from her to love them, too. It makes me very happy!

It was weird last night coming home from work to an empty house. I had a sweet friend pick the pups up from daycare, so they, at least, were waiting for me.

Today was quieter until I had acupuncture. It's harder when I'm not busy. The Needler's in the same office as the therapist Dr. P. I saw him briefly while I was waiting and he mentioned The Future Ex briefly. The result: me bawling while seeing The Needler. Some days good, some days not so good.

The Needler gave me a good lead on some very nice, very cheap glazed clay pots, however. I'm sure the needles, cupping, and herb stuff did me good, but I KNOW that stopping on my way home to buy pots and potting soil helped FOR SURE. I finally got my herbs planted. I know, it's July 2. They weren't dead yet, though. That kept me busy this afternoon.

What to do tonight?

Proof That Cats Are Not Stupid

2009-07-02T12:37:00.002-04:00

Smoocherkitty and The Squawker interrupted during their nap two days ago. Cats have an uncanny heat-sensing ability.

Back To Work

2009-07-02T00:58:00.003-04:00

Went back to work. It was kind of busy, but not horrendously so. It was actually fun. I didn't forget how to be a doctor. I didn't forget my computer passwords. It was good to see the other docs, the nurses, and other staff. Hopefully I didn't catch swine flu on my first day back.

Now I have four days off. Woo-hoo!

This work thing really interfered with my Facebook time and blog reading. It's taken me an hour to catch up tonight. It's actually tomorrow now. I'm tired. Night!

Cats In Baskets

2009-06-30T12:49:00.002-04:00

Smoocherkitty, my most beautiful cat, at one of his favorite pasttimes--sitting in baskets. Another of his favorite pasttimes is laying on the table and counter getting petted and spoiled rotten by his Auntie S. He knows I can't bear to shoo him off because he looks so incredibly happy and so does she. She's been a lifesaver for me. Welcome to the blog, S. Thanks for everything!

More Old Friends

2009-06-30T11:01:00.002-04:00

I was extremely excited this morning at the return of two people into my life--one "virtual" and one "real." First, I got an invite to view FD's new blog. I've missed her. It was great to see her back. Again, hers is the first blog I ever read. I didn't even really know what a blog WAS before that.

Second, I got a call from a former coworker from my first job. We've both moved on from the chaos. Dr. Lucky, I'll call her, trying to change hers, really, is in the area. She went through a series of serious medical problems while and shortly after we worked together. One of them was part of what made me realize life's too short to work 80 hours a week or more and be miserable. We've shared a lot of good and bad times, the two of us. I vividly remember us laughing our butts off trying to get her back in her house after I took her to the ER to get her splint replaced when it became too tight after she broke her leg badly and had surgery. I can really use some of that laughing in the face of shittiness right now, so her calling is such good timing. Can't wait to see her tonight. Her daughter is with. The Devil will be in her glory to have a little girl to play with.

In the meantime, I'm due to visit the Wonder PT and go to Dr. P's depression classes. The shoulder's been doing great. I rarely think about it, except at night, but even that's improving.

Tonight's depression group is on self-esteem. Mine has generally been much better in recent years. Amazing how losing a hundred pounds can make you feel better about yourself. Not so much because of the change in appearance, but because it's made me realize what I can ACCOMPLISH. I've been trying not to let it, but the cheating-husband thing is chipping away at it a bit, I think. Imagine that.

On that subject, I met with The Lawyer yesterday. We worked out a settlement offer. Tried to make it more than fair, so there would be nothing to keep a judge from approving it, even if he decides not to get his own attorney. It will go to The Future Ex this week. Hopefully all will go smoothly, and, in less than 120 days, there will be a short hearing, the judge will approve it, and I can move on. Not how I envisioned things happening 8 years and 356 days ago.

Ring of Cats

2009-06-29T12:02:00.002-04:00

I thought this turned out nice with their dark bodies around the edge and their white bellies and paws in the middle. It's Smoocherkitty, The Squawker, and The Grey Mouser.

How I Lost A Hundred Pounds

2009-06-29T10:13:00.002-04:00

Quick update first. I'm under 279 today. That means under 5 pounds to go to get back to pre-surgery weight! Took the dogs to the state park with one of my young barista friends yesterday. We all had a blast. She hadn't seen The Devil for a long time and was pleasantly surprised at how calm she's become. Even she, not particularly a dog lover, could tell how incredibly happy the pups looked walking in the woods.

Got the lawyer paperwork done and all the copies made. Whew! Hope I didn't forget anything.

Oh, yeah, and I went to Target yesterday and replaced the mongo TV I sent with The Future Ex with a more reasonably sized HDTV, a Blu-Ray, and a Wii. FUN.

Bear with me for those who've read some of this already. As requested by Dalilah. I think remembering how I got here is the key to staying here and moving forward (down). In late 2006, I began to realize that I felt horrible. Ached all over. Couldn't walk a flight of stairs without being exhausted. I knew that I needed to do something to lose weight. Most medical studies show morbidly obese people don't lose significant weight and keep it off with any other means than gastric bypass surgery. That was not a choice I was prepared to make until I exhausted all other options because I'd seen patients with many complications and didn't want to risk being one of the few to have one of them.

I decided I had to at least make a serious attempt to lose the weight on my own, with gastric bypass as an option if I wasn't able to do it. I started walking slowly on the treadmill 15 minutes at a time. I had already quit doing my exhausting primary care job at that time. I was working urgent care full-time and starting, after over a year of sleeping regularly, to recover from the burnout of my previous job. An endocrinology fellow (internal medicine doctor training to be an endocrine/hormone specialist) moonlighted doing urgent care with us. She was soon going to be starting her first "real" job in a university weight management clinic soon, but not soon enough for me. I was ready. She recommended Dr. M. I've previously discussed how hard it was to walk into his office as a super-obese physician.

I discuss this in the post linked above (I linked it! I figured out how!), but the bottomline is that he told me I was not a bad person for being obese and that he and his clinic staff specialize in treating this condition. Had he had the "fat people are lazy" attitude a lot of docs have, I'd never have gone back.

He did a bunch of labs that day. I found out I had Hashimoto's thyroiditis/underactive thyroid and Vitamin D deficiency. Neither of these resulted in my weighing over 200lbs. more than I should, but they probably didn't help. He put me on Meridia. He told me he was taking it and lost 40 lbs. He showed me how many extra notches he'd had to put in his belt. Meridia also has generally not been shown to result in significant maintainable weight loss, so I was skeptical. However, I decided that I hadn't had much success doing it my way in the past, so I might as well listen to the world-class-medical-center-trained doctor I'd chosen.

Here's the weird thing I noticed about Meridia. And I noticed it again being off it around my surgery and then going back on. When I take it, I don't think about food 24 hours a day. Regardless of if I lost an ounce on it, that alone would be reason enough to want to take it. Anyone reading this who's naturally thin probably doesn't understand this. Those of you who've been morbidly obese probably know exactly what I mean. I didn't realize until I was in MEDICAL SCHOOL that not everyone else constantly thinks about food. A friend I hung out with a lot in medical school would go about her day, doing her thing right through mealtimes, without even a thought about food. I'd be going crazy wondering when the hell she'd want to eat, thinking I was going to starve to death. It was one of those "a-ha" moments in life because my whole family obsesses about food like I do.

I also saw one of Dr. M's dieticians. She was very flexible. She truly seemed to want to help me make sustainable changes that worked for my life. She also ran weight management classes that I attended. I started eating breakfast. I started bringing yogurt, homemade granola, and fruit to work for supper (I credit my stellar cholesterol to this)and stopped eating fastfood after work at 10pm. I stopped thinking that the portions of food served in restaurants were actually healthy portions of food to eat. I started bringing home half my food for the next day. This may sound the opposite of what one should do, but I made sure I always had some kind of snack around.

Many of you with insulin resistance will understand this. Ever had that plummeting blood sugar thing? You get dizzy, sweaty, nauseasted, headache? A couple hours after you eat? You have the overwhelming urge to get sugar into yourself because you feel like you're going to die otherwise? That might be reactive hypoglycemia due to insulin resistance. Your body, due to obesity, can't use insulin properly, so your pancreas overshoots and makes too much insulin when you eat. That extra insulin then uses up too much blood sugar and your blood sugar starts to drop a couple hours after you eat, resulting in the above horror. I, personally, used to eat more at meals, especially protein and fat, trying to avoid this phenomenon. Just as effective was eating normal meals and small snacks, especially with protein and/or fiber, every few hours. After losing about 10 pounds, the insulin resistance was improved, and it was a non-issue anyway!

I try to eat more fruits and vegetables. I eat more chicken, less red meat. I use more olive and canola oil and less butter. I hate and don't use most low-fat stuff. I'd rather eat more reasonable portions of the good stuff than waste calories on stuff that tastes bad. I don't eat perfectly. Sometimes I choose to eat half a bag of chips and a tub of Top The Tater. But that's maybe been 6 times in 2 1/2 years instead of 3 times a week. I just don't freak out and tell myself it's all been a waste of time and give up when I do.

After starting walking on the treadmill 15 minutes at a time, I worked slowly up to an hour at a time and faster. I wish I had branched out into some other types of exercise sooner because I got a stress reaction (pre-stress fracture) in my foot doing that. I did some stationary bike and water aerobics during that time. Then started the elliptical when the foot got better. I did three minutes the first time I was on the elliptical and thought I would die. Now--well, pre-surgery--I could easily do 45 minutes!

I also got a trainer--love ya, Blondie! She taught me strength training. Weights and other strength training at first. Then I wanted to try Pilates Reformer, so she taught me that. I became addicted to both. I had kick-ass muscles under all the fat on my arms. A rotator cuff tear, surgery, and a month's immobilization later and they're gone, but they'll be back! I would HIGHLY recommend adding strength training to cardio. I find cardio kind of boring. I think the strength training is fun. Plus, the way Blondie recommended alternating upper and lower body strength exercises, it's gets my heart rate up, too.

Lately, I've been in a rut just walking the mutts outside. I need to get myself back in the routine of getting into the Y. I really should use some of the sessions I have left with Blondie and do some lower body stuff even though I can't do anything upper body yet because of the shoulder.

So, that's basically how I've lost a hundred pounds. It was a lot easier to lose the first hundred. I'm kind of stuck now. I'm moving in the right direction now after surgery and plan to keep moving there now that I'm back in the groove. Thanks to all of you for the support and encouragement! And to all of you fighting the same fight, if my lazy ass can lose a hundred pounds, you can lose your pounds, too!

2009-06-28T23:06:00.002-04:00

Little tiny Grey Mouser. Shortly after we got him. It was around this time of year 6 years ago. Such a cute little guy. He's my most shy cat. He's a mama's boy, but he'll come around and flop over to have his belly rubbed only for true cat lovers. He can tell who is and who isn't.

Hello To All The Great Women In My "Real" Life

2009-06-28T08:26:00.002-04:00

I just found out from my good friend Beauty, mother of my adorable godson, that I've inadvertently outed myself. Apparently, instead of replying just to my college roommate, Zab, including the link to my blog, I replied to the whole list of people I'd originally sent a message to.

I didn't exactly plan to tell most people I know about this blog, maybe until I'm on Biggest Loser someday, but, oh well. Now a lot of people I've known a long time know exactly what I weigh, but it is over a hundred pounds LESS than it used to be. AND a bunch of strangers, or people who used to be strangers, already know, so what the hell.

I've got bigger things to worry about these days.

Let's still try to keep things relatively confidential. No real names. No real places. That kind of thing.

Guess if all these people know, I should tell my mom.

Under 280 today. I guess I can include homemade popcorn for suppers on my Potato Chip diet. Oh, yeah, and walked the pups last night. Again, cuz they were nuts despite all day chasing dogs.

Gotta get some coffee... Then get the lawyer paperwork done.

2009-06-27T18:39:00.002-04:00

The Prince eating corn on the farm. Puggle or cow? I think we may have been misled.

Procrastination

2009-06-27T18:32:00.003-04:00

I should be doing important paperwork. I did some things I need to do to begin the paperwork. Does that count?

I got a massage. My upper back muscles were like diamonds, now I think they're only like granite or something.

I've talked to a bunch of people on the phone. The Future Ex came and got a little more of his stuff. More closet room for me!

I went to the store. I bought wheat flour. No more gluten-free cooking for me!

Just picked up the dogs from daycare. I was supposed to finish the paperwork while they were gone and I had no interruptions. So much for that.

I've decided not to include 4 slices of pizza for each lunch and dinner on Dr. Huge's potato chip diet. And I guess maybe the potato chips and dip for supper are a requirement. I had pizza instead of chips last night, and today I'm 281. It's still overall a recent downward trend. Yesterday had seemed like kind of a bizarre drop anyway.

You know, if I'd just get this damn thing done, then tomorrow I could do what I want with no guilt...

A Theme

2009-06-26T09:32:00.001-04:00

The Squawker lounging in another cupboard as we were moving out of the old house. Must have been a fun cat pasttime.

Dr. Huge's Potato Chip Diet

2009-06-26T08:45:00.002-04:00

I'm under 279.5. WTF? Again, didn't believe it, weighed 5 times--that was the highest.

I'm not sure how nutritionally sound a diet composed of half a bag of rippled Old Dutch potato chips and a tub of Top The Tater for supper every night would be, however (my LDL is 70, so what the hell?). There's a shitload of calories in that crap, as if you didn't know. And I ate other stuff yesterday, including an apple fritter for breakfast, which I "forgot" to mention yesterday. Maybe my LDL isn't 70 anymore. I did walk the dogs 20 minutes or so again last night, purely for purposes of self-preservation (The Devil was scratching the hole in the drywall by the door even bigger, and it felt like she was scratching the inside surface of my cranium). Oh, yeah, and I started bawling under my sunglasses when one of the cops drove by. Nice.

I can't freakin' sleep. My shoulder's great during the day. MUCH better than preop. I just still can't keep comfortable at night, despite an elaborate setup of pillows to support my arm. I take a Percocet and 4 ibuprofens at bedtime and do pretty well until they wear off. Then I wake up because the shoulder hurts in whatever position I'm in. Then, I can't go back to sleep with all this shit going through my head. It was 4:45 this morning. I'm getting kind of tired. I think maybe that's why last night I was a little more emotional.

I feel like I'm on some kind of emotional rollercoaster that I don't control. I'm going to schedule a massage. And the therapist.

Wow, rereading this, it sounds a tad on the crazy side. Oh, well, I'm guessing tomorrow will be better.

2009-06-25T20:01:00.002-04:00

Smoocherkitty lounging in the empty cupboard during the moving process from the old house. Goofball.

Woke up way too early. Couldn't go back to sleep. Went for coffee. Walked the dog with a friend and her cousin. Went to PT. Ate well for lunch--my yogurt, fruit, and homemade granola. Got in today to my doctor, which was great, sooner than the appointment I had next week. Hopefully, I'll get the all clear from that. Went to Target. That always helps. Ate potato chips and dip for supper. Not sure if that means I'm better or worse? In between, sorted all The Husband's gluten-free stuff out of the cupboards and answered a lot of email and Facebook messages.

All you women are being incredibly supportive. Thanks! Most of the men I know, I haven't heard from. I just don't think they know what to say.

One day at a time. One hour at a time sometimes. Some good, some tougher. In the end, things will work out for the best.

It's Over in 120 Days

2009-06-24T23:17:00.003-04:00

I hired a lawyer and filed for divorce today. I told The Husband. We talked about how we wanted it to go. We both agree we want it to be amicable. I think he is serious about getting help for his issues. I'm glad. My anger has lessened. I do hope he can be happy someday.

I saw Dr. P. Talked everything through. It all still sounds rational, even saying it out loud to him. He pushed me to make sure I was making this decision rationally. I'm comfortable with the decision. I feel relief.

I'm at 282. While I've been fearing eating uncontrollably, I find I'm not hungry. I have a lot of things to take care of, so maybe it's distraction. I've never been one to lose my appetite under stress. WEIRD. Not the way I'd hoped to lose the post-surgery weight.

I Can't Do It If I Put It In Writing

2009-06-23T16:19:00.003-04:00

The Devil and her uncle Rascal. So cute. He didn't know what to make of her back then when she was so hyper. They had fun playing, but I think he was glad to see her go so he could rest.

I decided against this idea I had yesterday. It's even safer if I put it in writing for the world to see. Then there would be no way I could ever reconsider.

Rubbing poison ivy in all his underwear.

He's very allergic.

I'm almost down at 282. Pretty good considering! Way too hot for any dog walks. They're in daycare.